Friday, February 24, 2006

Arrrr, what sort of idiots create television commercials. I just saw an ad for some crap that helps stop bloating after you've gorged yourself stupid.

They demonstrate how effective it is by putting a single drop of the product into a beaker with lots of bubbles on top. The bubbles all burst proving what a fantastic product this is.

Like most ads there is no logic at all. Sure all the bubbles might have burst but wouldn't all the gas still be trapped in your stomach? But if you are making a product for idiots that eat until they are sick, having an ad made by idiots is probably a good move.

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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

I saw a recap of a few events from the special olympics today. It's nice that someone who can't stay upright can still win a silver medal in the pairs figure skating. Perhaps sliding along on your arse could be the exhibition sport at the next games.

I imagine that the real reason for the result is that all the judges bet on the Chinese pair and didn't want to lose their cash.


Monday, February 13, 2006

A rather attractive customer came into the shop yesterday. After she had ordered she turned to her friend and exclaimed "Oh no, I didn't get to try out the pink pole". I'm assuming she was talking about a fishing rod, but I can't be certain.

I'm glad she couldn't hear what I was thinking.


Friday, February 10, 2006

The bit I see:

A little girl walks into the shop. She makes her way up to the counter and stands up on tiptoes to see over. 'May I have one of those chocolates please?' she asks as she places a few coins on the counter.

'No, I'm sorry, you don't have enough for one of those. You can afford one of these lollypops though.' I reply from behind the counter.

'Okay, I'll ha-'

'Don't you have enough there dearie?' interrupts the large matronly woman who sails up behind the little girl. 'Here's five dollars, you buy yourself some nice sweeties dear.'

'Ummm, I'm not sure that's a good idea.' I interject.

'Oh fiddle-faddle young man.' Madam says with a dismissive wave of her hand. She places a crisp five dollar note in the little girl's hand. 'You just tell the man what you'd like.'

The bit I don't see:

'It seems she ingested a large amount of sugar and it sent her into a diabetic coma.' The doctor glances up from his notes to meet the mothers eye. 'I'm afraid we didn't get to her in time, permanent damage has been done to her kidneys. It's quite likely that she'll need regular dialysis for the rest of her life.'

'I don't understand it doctor,' says the girls mother. 'I give her twenty cents every week to buy one lollypop. We're always very careful to manage her diet properly. I just don't understand how this could happen.'


'Oh Herbert, I did the nicest thing today.' says Madam with a hint of pride. 'This poor young girl couldn't afford any sweeties so I bought her a nice big bag full. Probably more than her parents could afford, the poor little urchin.'

'Now dear you really shouldn't interfere with peoples children.' Herbert intones with a note of concern in his voice.

'What possible harm could it do Herbert?' Madam says shaking her head. 'You fuss too much.'

Herbert sighs, 'Yes Dear.'

Don't fuck with other peoples kids you weirdos.

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Thursday, February 09, 2006

At work we sell roasted chickens. You can buy a whole chicken, a half, or a quarter, but we only cut one chicken up at a time. If you want a wing quarter and all we've got is a leg we won't cut another chicken until that leg has been sold. The reason, wings are far more popular than legs. If we sold a wing to every customer that wanted one, at the end of the day we'd have a huge pile of legs that would go to waste. Also a lot of customers who want to buy whole chickens would miss out because all the chooks have been de-winged and four legs isn't quite the same.

A recent customer used the following false analogy to try and show me the error of my ways.

He told me if I was to order a chicken schnitzel in his hotel, I wouldn't be forced to have beef gravy on it just because the last customer had cheese sauce on theirs.

I love how people try to use an argument that seems related to the issue at hand but, actually, has nothing in common with it at all. He couldn't understand the difference between selling lots of identical schnitzels and selling pieces of roast chicken.

He didn't seem happy when I offered him a chicken schnitzel either. Even though I gave him a choice of sauces.

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Monday, February 06, 2006

Watching television today I saw an advert for 'A Current Affair'. On an upcoming show they have a story about the illegal use of disabled parking permits(permits for disabled folk, not people that can't parallel park).

One of the lines thrown out to catch the viewers attention was "does this person look disabled". Their point was that abled people are using disabled permits to get good parking spots and avoid paying fines. They do, however, seem to think that you can tell who is disabled simply by looking at them.

I think ACA should stick to bogon neighbour disputes, where you can get the cheapest groceries and all the pseudo-stories that are really thinly veiled adverts. Leave the journalism to those with at least half a brain.

I hope lots of idiots get out and start confronting the people using disabled parking permits. Better to hassle disabled people than risk letting someone park a bit closer to the shops than you.

This reminds me of a story on Triple J's Hack. They spoke to a young lady whose brain had been injured in a car accident. She is on a disability pension and has a concession card for public transport. Because she doesn't look disabled the stupid cunts that sell train tickets have confiscated her concession card several times. They must have some top training.

I think the obvious solution is some sort of forehead tattoo for disabled people. That should guarantee they aren't accidentally mistaken for normal people.

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Saturday, February 04, 2006

Last week one of the competitors at a mexican bullfight, the fat one, got a bit excited and leapt into the crowd. Several of the spectators were injured before they eventually killed the bull.

It seems a little hypocritical to attend a bloodsport and then complain just because the blood involved happens to be your own. I think audience participation is what has been missing from bloodsports. Imaging it, kickboxing where there is a chance the fighters will smash you in the face if you get a bit too vocal. Cockfights where corn is sprinkled throughout the audience so you never know if you'll have your shins raked off with a set of spurs.

It seems a shame to kill the one creature present that isn't a violence hungry fucktard. I hope they kept plenty of semen so they can breed up a new generation of revolutionary bulls to continue the protest against stupid passtimes.

Hang on, bullfighting is a tradition. Must be okay then.

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