reTARDIS

Simpler PS3 VPN

2011-04-25T23:48:00.005+09:30

An addendum to the last post about playing PS3 LAN games over the Internet using a VPN.

In that setup the PS3 was connected to a laptop which was connected via a VPN to the other players. This worked fine, but required two network interfaces. One for the PS3, one for the Internet.

A simpler solution exists. Leave the PS3 and PC connected to the Internet as usual. Create a bridge between the TAP interface and the interface used to connect to the Internet. Follow the other steps in the last post.

This may be slower than the previous setup because the PS3 traffic has to pass through the PC to get to the VPN. It will work though and it takes less setup because you don't need to play with any cables.

Hope you find this usefull. Happy gaming.

RDR - PSN + VPN + LAN = YES

2011-04-24T12:04:00.007+09:30

I was looking forward to some Red Dead Redemption this weekend. A five day long weekend and there was even a Triple XP session planned.

Then the PSN went down.

Without the PlayStation Network there is no way to connect with other players over the internet. The only option for multiplayer is a LAN game. A LAN game, however, isn't very convenient if you live a long way from your friends, or don't have a car to transport your TV and PS3.

By creating a Virtual Private Network between players though, you can play a LAN game over the internet. You'll still be able to level up and earn trophies, but you'll only be playing with the people who are part of your VPN.

I'll outline the steps I took to get things setup. Firstly a diagram of how things were connected:

1: Connect the PS3 to the laptop with an ethernet cable.

2: Laptop is connected to the Internet over WiFi to the ADSL router as usual.

3: Download and install n2n. This excellent software will create the VPN. You can read more about it here. I downloaded the Windows version from here.

4: Download OpenVPN, run the installer and select only the "TAP Virtual Ethernet Adapter" option. This will create a virtual network interface which the VPN will use.

5: Create a network bridge between the TAP adapter and the ethernet adapter the PS3 is connected to.

6: Make a list of the IPs you and your friends will be using so you can be sure there are no conflicts. For example:

My PS3: 192.168.3.1
My Bridge: 192.168.3.2
Bob's PS3: 192.168.3.3
Bob's Bridge: 192.168.3.4
Sue's PS3: 192.168.3.5
Sue's Bridge: 192.168.3.6

7: Set the IP of the network bridge.

8: Set your PS3 to use a wired connection and set its IP. Use the IP you set for the bridge as the gateway IP and any other required IPs in the PS3 setup.

Steps everyone does

9[Host Only]: One person in the VPN, the host, needs to run a supernode to handle the VPN connection.

"C:\Program Files\n2n-Win32\bin\supernode" -l 6789

You'll also need to setup a port forwarding rule to allow incoming connections to the supernode. In this example I've used port 6789.

10: Once the host has the supernode running everyone, including the host can connect.

"C:\Program Files\n2n-Win32\bin\edge" -a 192.168.3.2 -c VPNName -k biglongkey -l 127.0.0.1:6789 -m 00:00:00:00:00:00 -r

The -a option should be the IP of your bridge.

The -l option must be the external IP of the host.

The -m option should be the MAC of the bridge.

11: Run your game in LAN mode on your PS3 and have some fun. For Red Dead Redemption you first have to go into single player and then select LAN from the Multiplayer section of the menu. Any game that supports LAN play should work just fine.

I hope this is helpful, drop a comment if you have a question or way of simplifying the process.

It may be possible to get it working with computers with only one network interface and also get DHCP working so you don't need to worry so much about IP conflicts. Depending on how long the PlayStation Network is down for I may do some more tests.

Psychic Has A Whale Of A Time

2008-08-30T08:00:00.004+09:30

I suppose it isn't that hard to believe that a psychic would use a whale calf starving to death to grab some publicity. After all they do it when people have been murdered and children have gone missing.

A whale calf was euthanised in New South Wales this week after it was separated from its mother. Several radio news segments I heard in the days leading up to the calf's death mentioned offers of help from psychics. I assume they would use their powers to ask the calf if it knew where it lived or where its mum worked. It's a great example of how psychics will interfere when time is of the essence.

There was a far greater uproar from normal people than there was from the psychics though. People seem to like whales a lot and the thought of one dying upsets a lot of people. There were countless calls to "do something". What options are available though?

Use a spotter plane to find some more whales and lead the calf to them in the hopes that there is a lactating female in the group that will adopt the calf. Possible but not very probable.
Feed the calf by hand and release it into the wild at some stage. Also possible but the calf would have no social or survival skills, at best it would just postpone its death.
Feed the calf and keep it in a tank for the rest of its life. Do we really need more animals in cages to dance for our amusement?

The kindest option, although not the easiest to watch, is to let things take their course. It happens every day where we can't see it and we do nothing. There is no reason to feel guilty now just because it is in range of the television cameras.

Or, if you aren't happy with that you could do what some other folks have done and blame Kevin Rudd for the whole affair.

Facial, No The Other Kind

2008-08-29T08:00:00.003+09:30

I saw an interesting product on television this week. The Derma Wand. It makes you look all pretty if you rub it on your face. The technical specs are non-existent on the sites selling the devices. As far as I can ascertain it's basically a vibrator.

It claims to oxygenate your skin, which confuses me because people spend hundreds of dollars on creams and moisturisers containing anti-oxidants. It also has no source for this oxygen, which could be why it is called a wand, because it would have to be magic to actually work as claimed.

It can shrink your pores, get rid of the sags and the wrinkles and the lines. I think a better bet would be to just stop fucking with your face so much. Stop poking at it and smearing so many ointments on it. It's not helping.

If this device does have any effect I'd bet you'd get the exact same benefit from a simple face massage. Plus you have the benefit of not wasting a few hundred bucks.

In this YouTube video a woman mentions that she likes to take it home and give herself some "critical attention every day". So it could actually be a covert way for shy housewives to buy themselves a vibrator.

But then maybe is does work, after all, would an esthatition lie?

Magic Fruit Water

2008-08-28T08:00:00.003+09:30

I put this product on my list of things to post about quite a while ago and never got around to it. When I was checking to see if they had added anything new to their scam I was pleased to see that the site no longer exists. You can check it out here via the Wayback Machine.

It's nice to know that there is one less crappy product making bogus claims on the net. A hundred have probably taken its place and I'm sure it won't be long before someone else is pushing the exact same thing.

The product is, or was, water extracted from fruit that contains O¹⁸ instead of O¹⁶. It can sooth razor burn and make you look pretty if you squirt it on your face. Reduce wrinkles and keep you refreshed for longer if you drink it. These claims are demonstrated by scientific research, but for some reason they forgot to show the research on their website.

Also, they claim the product is pure, then they list the impurities it contains, contradiction much?

Chloride 1.2
Nitrate 0.05
Potassium 0.66
Magnesium 0.05

I guess calling a product 'nearly pure' doesn't sound as good.

Free Advice, Worth Every Cent

2008-08-27T08:00:00.005+09:30

A visitor commented on a post about Don Tolman from a while ago that "it'd just be nice to see people post that have done a bit of research and really stepped into the teachings before blindly bashing based on a sound bite". By this I assume that they are implying that my criticism of Don Tolman is based on me taking things out of context.

Here are a few direct quotes from Don's website:

A person who has had over 40 skin cancers already, so of course they should get more sun.

Q: “I have skin cancer on my nose. I already have scars from previous operations – over 40 from my neck up. So I don’t want another operation. Which are the best foods to eat and which are the best to avoid to support self-healing?”

Don’s Answer: A raw food diet is the answer. Every night and every morning smear a layer of extra/extra virgin olive oil all over you especially your face neck and shoulders. Get 20-30 minutes of sunshine with no sun screen every day and watch it all heal. Apply onion juice or garlic juice to the sites of concern each day for 2 weeks the n switch to fresh lemon juice for 2 weeks.

Yellow foods block electromagnetic fields. Seriously?

Q: “What is the effect of EMF radiation and mobile phones etc and how do we strengthen ourselves against its effect?”

Don’s Answer: Always use ear phones whenever you can. Yellow foods block EMF radiation. Even yellow clothing assists in this. Technology is getting better and better in these areas so upgrade when ever you can.

Yes, stay away from surgeons, fruit and vegetables will fix those leaky heart valves. In many instances of congenital heart defects diuretics are prescribed to help eliminate water and salt, so recommending more water and salt without knowing this persons individual details seems very responsible.

Q: “We have two children who were born with congenital heart disease and were told they would not survive without the 7 open heart operations they have had between them. What more can we do for their future good health? ”

Don’s Answer: Stay away from surgeons. This sounds harsh, but if you had seen the things I’ve seen you’d understand. Fear is too much with us and I pam thankful that your children are still alive and with us. And for the skills the doctors displayed by all appearances you need to be thankful, but water, salt, vegetarian diets (or mostly so), walking, playing, jumping rope are the things to do now because life is movement. It can’t be stressed enough that health comes of a happy heart. Hug them, smile with them, play with them and feed them lots of red yellow and orange foods.

Clearly I was wrong to doubt Don's skills as a healer. I'm now going to go and paint my friends mobile phones yellow so they stop working.

On The Rhodes Again

2008-08-26T08:00:00.005+09:30

My parents recently received a copy of the David Rhodes chain letter in the mail. This is the second one they've gotten. It's the usual thing, send ten dollars to the first name on the list, then add your name to the bottom of the list and send copies to other people.

To make it really enticing there is a five cent piece taped to the letter. Wow, five whole cents, this couldn't possibly be a scam, do you accept cheques?

There are some distinct warning signs in the letter. It instructs you to not tell your friends or family about it, they won't understand, just trust your feelings and post off your money. Write a note saying that the ten dollars is a gift so that it's all nice and legal. Of course a scam is a scam no matter if you have a note from your mum or not. There is also some dodgy maths to show how much money you'll make.

Like any pyramid or ponzi scheme it might make money for the instigator, maybe even for the second person on the list, but it will soon collapse. For everyone involved to make money, as the scam claims, there would need to be an infinite amount of new gullible people available to send letters to.

The only foolproof way of making money from this scam is to go to the first address on the list and start stealing all their mail. Or put your ten dollars in the bank and earn some interest. You won't get fifty thousand in thirty days, but it's guaranteed.

Do I Make You Horny?

2008-08-25T08:00:00.005+09:30

No, I didn't think so. Nor am I turned on by people killing Rhinoceros for their horn.

I was shocked a few weeks ago to see a television show refer to the use of rhino horn in Chinese medicine as bogus. I'm not shocked to hear that it is bogus, just that it would be called such by a television network with a reputation for shilling quack health products. In fact I saw two new scamish looking devices on the same station this week that I hope to post about soon.

Rhino horn is mostly keratin, the same as your fingernails. So a great market exists for someone to grind up their fingernails and start selling I Can't Believe It's Not Rhino on eBay.

Rhino horn is used to treat fever. I could only find one study, on rats, that showed a positive effect. You'd think if it was such a good remedy for fever, so good that it's worth hunting and killing a rhino for, that there would be some better evidence by now. It can't be that hard. Bunch of people with a fever, divide them into three groups, aspirin, horn or placebo depending on group and tot up the results.

Hopefully calling a scam a scam and a quack a quack will one day become the norm instead of the exception.

No Eye In Iridology

2008-08-24T08:00:00.007+09:30

Still on iridology from yesterday. I was reminded of a question I've asked, but never received an answer to, on a few iridology blogs and forums. The question: How can iridology and iris recognition technology both exist?

The two concepts are mutually exclusive. Iridology relies on the iris reflecting changes in the body. Iris recognition relies on the iris being stable in appearance.

I can buy an iris recognition access control system from companies like LG or Panasonic. It will work. I could buy some iridology books and charts, stare into peoples eyes for fifty dollars a session and tell them lies. It won't work.

If the iridologists were smart they'd redefine the scam. Claim that the iris doesn't change but that because of quantum all of a persons maladies are fixed in their iris during gestation. You have to keep your scam fresh or you'll never make the big bucks. It's not science if it doesn't have quantum.

Lensidology

2008-08-23T08:00:00.005+09:30

It occurred to me today that iridologists are missing out on a new income stream. They could apply the techniques of iridology to cameras.

A customer brings in a broken camera, the iridologist has a look at the lens and then diagnoses the fault. Bit cloudy in the NE quadrant, must be a flat battery. Smudge just below the centre, obviously a misaligned film take-up spool. White spots around the circumference, the camera has absorbed too many souls.

Guaranteed to be just as effective as regular iridology, i.e. useless.

This post, like one a couple of days ago was inspired by one of Bronze Dog's excellent Doggerel posts.

Michael Shermer On Triple J

2008-08-22T08:00:00.002+09:30

Dr Karl was joined yesterday in his regular Thursday slot on radio station Triple J by Michael Shermer.

As you would expect with the founder of The Skeptics Society on the show topics such as the recent Bigfoot find, the Moon landing hoax, and the World Trade Center conspiracy were brought up pretty quickly.

Even though these topics have been around for a while there are still plenty of believers out there. For that reason it's always interesting to hear someone like Shermer talk about them, you never know what new arguments and points of logic you'll pick up. Every idea helps when debating and discussing hoaxes with believers, or more importantly with people who are undecided on such matters. They are usually far more receptive to a logical argument than a true believer who sees facts and science as part of the big cover up.

They covered plenty of other topics as well so have a listen if you get a chance. An MP3 of the show is always available to download for a couple of weeks.

Michael Shermer is in Australia at the moment for National Science Week, go and see him speak if you have the opportunity.

Drive Me Crazy

2008-08-21T08:00:00.006+09:30

I love Bronze Dog's series Doggerel. A recent entry about cameras mentioned a spray paint product that claims to obscure your car number plate from traffic cameras. It got me thinking about all the dodgy products, scams and myths targeted at motorists:

Paints and plastic covers to hide your number plate from traffic cameras.
Radar detectors and LASER jammers to avoid speeding fines.
Fuel pills and hydrogen systems to increase fuel economy.
Ultrasonic devices to scare away kangaroos.
Eating mints to beat breathalysers.
Opening cars with a mobile phone.

Some of these products may work but do you really need a LASER jammer when the only possible reason for having one is so you can exceed the speed limit. Many drivers have an inflated sense of their own skills behind the wheel, couple that with a false sense of security provided by the belief that you can't be caught by the police and you have a fine combination for causing accidents.

A fuel pill scam conducted by recently collapsed company Firepower took many hundreds of thousands of dollars from investors. Some of those conned were high profile professional sportsmen, hopefully they'll use their public position to raise awareness of such scams.

I don't think there is anything special about cars or motorists that attracts scams. There are simply so many millions of them that frauds are bound to target the industry. So instead of buying that magic fuel saving police eluding magnet system for your car it would be wiser to just obey the road rules and be courteous to your fellow road users. Except the pricks on bikes of course.

Over Unity Discovered Off Australian Coast

2007-12-17T12:35:00.000+10:30

While perusing a box of scallops at work today I discovered clear evidence of over unity.

That's right, for every 100g of product there is 106g of sugars. So all we have to do if feed scallops to scallops and we'll be able to power the whole world. I'm sure it won't be long before the government and the evil seafood industry cover up this amazing discovery.

Was Jesus A Homeopath?

2007-12-16T12:39:00.000+10:30

Many of the activities reported in the bible, or The Bible, sound like fiction. Probably because they are. Homeopathy, however, perfectly explains many of these so called miracles.

Water into wine
If a modern homeopath can convince a believer that a bottle of water will cure <insert any condition here>. Then, how hard can it be to convince a bunch of people, who have already bought into the story of you being the son of ~~Santa Claus~~ god, that what they are drinking is really wine and not water. Especially when they have already been hitting the wine all day long at a wedding.

Loaves and fishes
Two fish, five loaves, five thousand people, not counting women and children. Sounds impossible right? Wrong. Any competent homeopath would simply succuss a 10C preparation and suddenly you've got plenty for everyone. Jesus could even knock up some wine to help wash it all down.

I particularly like the way Jesus gathers a heap of people together; doesn't bother to organise catering; then sends his heavies out to steal a child's food. He then hands that food out and takes all the credit. What a prick.

A Succussfull Life: Nudity

2007-11-30T03:41:00.000+10:30

Homeopathic (adjective): Something too small to function that true
believers claim is full of hidden power; if only you'd try it.

One Nation: The Voice Of The (stupid) People

2007-11-23T05:19:00.000+10:30

I've been doing a bit of reading this week to familiarise myself with the policies of all the candidates I can vote for in the upcoming federal election. There are quite a few new organisations such as the Secular Party Of Australia so it's important to find out what everyone stands for and get those Senate preferences in order.

I was a little surprised by the quality of the One Nation policy document. It was much lower than I had expected. It was also a lot funnier than I was expecting, check it out, it's comedy gold.

It starts off well by promoting the concept of citizens initiated referenda. That could be a good thing, let the people have more of a say and also keep them more engaged in the politics and running of the country.

Sadly, it's all down hill from there. Be warned, it may not be safe to read the full document without the protection of a tin foil hat and some crystals.

Here's a summary of some of One Nations views:

Peak Oil is a conspiracy, we'll never run out because it isn't made from ye olde forests after all, it's made from magma.
Everyone should have guns to defend themselves with.
Global warming is made up because biologists and dietitians are scientists too man and they don't agree with the climatologists.
Don't let any of those foreign folks in.
We don't need taxes we'll just take 1% from every bank withdrawal to run the country. Cueing a massive switch to a cash economy and triggering a huge collapse of the economy.

The other common themes across several parties were, porn = bad, guns = good. I'm not sure if the two concepts are related though.

While I got a good laugh out of the One Nation policies I was also embarrassed that a party based on such paranoid gibberish can find people to support them. I'll be numbering all the boxes on my Senate ballot just so I can have the pleasure of putting One Nation dead fucking last.

Who Needs An Ambulance When You Have Homeopathy?

2007-11-22T03:31:00.000+10:30

A while ago I posted about homeopathic first aid kits. I was, of course, taking the piss; so I was a bit surprised to see someone offering a homeopathic first aid course to the public.

I suppose if you burnt yourself you could tip the water from the homeopathic potion bottles on yourself. Or if you encounter someone with hypoglycaemia you could feed them some of your handy sugar pills.

There are many similar courses available claiming they can prepare you to deal with a wide range of emergency situations. Insect bites, allergic reactions, burns, whiplash, cuts and plenty of other maladies.

Homeopathy is based on the concept that 'like cures like'. Which means that these clever homeopaths must have little bottles of diluted knives and car crashes to treat cuts and whiplash with.

The most disappointing discovery was that TAFE colleges are offering such courses. That's a great use of public funds. I wonder if you can do a course in entrail reading at the same time.

It's bad enough that Homeopaths can freely bilk people with no legal reprisals without TAFE and, indirectly, the government endorsing and even promoting such ridiculous quackery.

So the next time that peanut allergy sends you into anaphylactic shock, don't worry about the adrenalin, all you need is a bottle of magic water and you'll be up and about in no time.

Manly Men Don't Want To Keep It Bottled Up

2007-10-03T23:02:00.000+09:30

Channel Ten News just had a story about the Manly council proposing a ban on bottled water. Apparently bottled water has a bigger 'carbon footprint' than tap water. I think this is a superb idea and not in any way retarded. Next we should get rid of cars because they wear larger carbon shoes than bicycles and follow that up with the abolition of long pants in favour of more environmentally friendly shorts and kilts.

Does the Ten Network show stories like this to try and discredit environmentalists? Instead of talking about science and facts they go for the 'oh look at what the crazy greenie said this time' angle. Making it harder for scientists and environmentalists to get serious points across.

Yesterday they had a story with Federal Minister for Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry, Peter McGauran. He was again stating how much he hates wind turbines. From this story I learnt that wind farms only produce about 8% of their capacity, are very noisy and nobody wants them built anywhere near them. I'm surprised he didn't pull out the one about them causing epilepsy.

Combine that with his past claim that wind farms don't generate any measurable amounts of electricity and I'm starting to wonder if a windmill killed his parents and he's harboured a deep resentment of them ever since. Or perhaps he actually believes these lies.

Maybe he should stick to the sheep, fish and trees and leave everything else to the grownups.

So, is it the fault of the media for showing these idiots without providing any facts to allow viewers to learn the truth of the matter. Or is it the fault of the idiots for being idiots and talking shit about things they know nothing about?

Look out McGauran, it's got a taste for blood and it's coming to get you.

ENAR II: Son Of ENAR

2007-06-27T00:48:00.000+09:30

Here is the footage of the ENAR on A Current Affair:

And another fine bit of shill work from Channel Nine:

Here's some footage of the SCENAR healing a guys burns. The SCENAR is the ENARs big brother or retarded cousin, something like that. It's a pretty amazing device, not only did it heal the burns it also managed to replace a scar and a tattoo to the burned area.

To quote Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson: Wank, wank, money in the bank.

Security Guard In Double Blind Study

2007-06-22T13:36:00.000+09:30

Right, dozens of LASERs but not one motion sensor? Do not use over the counter pain relievers as part of your home security system. If burglars persist, please see you doctor.

Beaten To The Punch

2007-06-19T03:33:00.000+09:30

Just in case last weeks ENAR device wasn't scamtastic enough Channel Nine's program A Current Affair has followed up with some more gold standard quackery. This time it's a magic drink that will solve all your blood pressure woes.

The product is called Dr Red and is a cordial made from many ingredients including Rosselle, a species of hibiscus. The usual claims were made regarding the existence of supporting evidence and trials. The evidence is pretty thin though. After reading the information presented about the trials I was only able to conclude that this punch doesn't kill mice. Hardly a breakthrough.

I assume that Channel Nine will push any product if given enough cash. It would certainly explain all the product placement and infomercial style of the segment. Or perhaps they just don't do too much research into their stories. Either way it is worrying that so much bunk is being broadcast.

You can see the segment on the ACA website. My favourite part is a close shot of the bottle where we can read on the label:

Antioxidant Enriched
Evidence Based
Rosella Concentrate

Still, at just $53.00 for a 750ml bottle it's a bargain. Regular cordial is only $3.00 but that has a fruit base which is easier to get in the bottle than an evidence base.

Beverages are also available to aid your immune system and your prostate. It looks like this company has solved mankind's health dilemmas single handed. We should all thank the nutraceuticals industry for allowing us to pay prescription prices for everyday grocery items.

In contrast, as I'm writing this Channel Ten news is running a story about Chinese herbs. The segment is about a study being conducted to see if particular herbs lower blood sugar. Unlike A Current Affair they don't mention a brand name and vague unsupported claims to try and sell units. Maybe they could teach Channel Nine the difference between science and shite.

Now I'm off to have a nice glass of evidence based milk.

Smokes And Mirrors

2007-06-11T05:22:00.000+09:30

Yay for the government. I've never been able to understand why tobacco is treated differently to other recreational drugs. I'm not saying that everything should be legal but I do think that all drugs should be held to the same standards.

My current tobacco induced confusion is as follows:

In 2005 changes were made to the labels on packs of cigarettes to remove the amounts of tar, nicotine and carbon monoxide contained in each cigarette. It was considered misleading because people would accosiate lower levels of those components with the cigarette being less harmful which, of course, they aren't. Descriptions such as 'light' and 'mild' are also no longer allowed.

It's annoying when customers come in and ask for Tarco 8s or Lungy Extreme Mild when these types of labels have been off the shelves for a long time. Just tell me the brand and the colour of the packet, okay dickhead. And no, I don't know what your wife smokes.

The real confusion, however, was triggered by some information received from the government this week regarding new fines for breaches of tobacco laws. One in particular stood out.

34—Information as to tar, nicotine etc content of cigarettes
(1) A person who sells cigarettes by retail must, on demand by a customer who is considering purchasing cigarettes, provide the customer with information as to the quantity of tar and carbon monoxide that will be produced, and the quantity of nicotine that will be released, in the normal course of smoking each cigarette.
Expiation fee: $315. Maximum penalty: $5 000.

(2) The information must be provided in writing in a form approved by the Minister.
Expiation fee: $105. Maximum penalty: $750.

Riiiiiiiight. So the labeling requirements are changed to remove this information from packs and it is now an offence to not provide this information to the customer. The Fuck?

Oh and it must be costly to collect all these new fines. Price of a tobacco licence last year was $12.90. This year $200.00, that's a 1450% increase. No wonder people think the government are cunts.

So ENAR Yet So Far

2007-05-30T03:02:00.000+09:30

Another nugget of gold from A Current Affair. This time they are promoting health fraud in the form of the ENAR.

The ENAR is a small device that looks much like a remote control. The promoters claim that it can relieve pain.

Why do I think it is a scam? A few reasons, the first warning sign was the stated origin of the technology. Scammers often claim fantastic origins for their devices to make them sound more astounding. The ENAR has its origins in the Russian space program. Apparently.

Second major warning sign came in the form of research. It's standard practise to claim that a university or noted scientist has proven the efficacy of a product when really it's all bullshit. In this case the research comes from Macquarie University. Now, this part isn't bullshit, the study really does exist. Does it prove the ENAR works? No. The study was not double blinded and the grand total of subjects to be treated with the ENAR? Nine. Yup, just nine people. Can you get statistically significant results with such a small group. Again, I'm going to say no.

Third warning sign? My grandmother had a device very similar to this given to her over ten years ago. Just like the perpetual motion machines this looks like an old scam that is being given a fresh coat of paint.

Maybe this device does work and is very effective. I don't really care if it works or not. What I do care about is television networks promoting health treatments when there is only the thinnest shimmer of evidence to support the very large claims and the very large $1400 price tag of these devices.

Is It Still Clever If You Alter Reality To Fit The Joke?

2007-05-29T01:56:00.000+09:30

Microwaves count down, fuckers.

The Secret

2007-05-28T18:57:00.000+09:30

Top work from Channel Nine. A Current Affair just had a story about a con man ripping people off under the cover of running seminars based on the abortion of intellect that is The Secret.

Now that doesn't sound that bad until you realise that Channel Nine produced The Secret movie. So they help create the phenomenon and then they pick on the people who are using it to scam idiots. There is no other purpose for The Secret other than parting people from their money so I'm not sure why they are so suprised.

For those of you who have no idea what The Secret is it is basically praying for money. Perfect for the shallow, trendy, entitled people and the idiots who feed on them.

Don 'Cucumber' Tolman

2007-03-14T00:40:00.000+10:30

I've noticed that a lot of people visiting this site hare arrived here by searching for 'Don Tolman'. In most cases the keywords scam, fraud and quackery were also used.

This makes me wonder. Are most people who are looking for information on Don thinking that he is a lying scam artist? Why are people looking for information on Don, have they seen him on television, heard about him from a friend or read about him in their horoscopes?

I'd love to know why you are searching for information on Don so please let me know in the comments. If you love him or hate him please share your opinion.

For those of you that found this page because you were looking for some hot pics of Don, I hope this touches you in a special place:

Don's teachings say that foods that resemble body parts are good for those anatomical areas. Which means that Don's penis must look like a cucumber. I wonder if his wife is a vegan?

Forensic Science For Dummies

2007-03-11T02:48:00.000+10:30

I don't know why I punish myself by watching television. Like many bad relationships, after a few weeks apart you forget all the abuse and think it will be different this time around.

I turned on the television this week to be presented with a show about forensic science. It was quite interesting. It focused on how field techniques are taught. This involved the use of donated bodies. Sounded like a great idea for something to do with the leftovers after you die. Donate your organs and then let them play with the other bits to teach police and scientists how to find and recover evidence.

Everything was fine until the guy instructing the group pulled out a pair of rods and started demonstrating how to find a buried corpse by dowsing. If I'd been on the course I would have asked for my money back right then.

What the fuck is up with the television networks lately? There's psychic detectives solving crimes all over the place. It must annoy the people who really solve crimes through hard work and hours of boring slog.

The government should consider introducing some laws to make semi-retarded bullshit illegal. People are stupid enough already without seeing this sort of crap and thinking that the magic pixies will help them to win the lottery because the spirit of their dead mother is talking to them through the keno numbers.

Great Leap Sideways

2006-08-16T15:44:00.000+09:30

Petrol prices are constantly on the increase, will they ever come down? Not bloody likely.

If the price will never come down we can either shut the fuck up and pay the price, ride a bike to work or catch a bus, oh no can't do that, that's for the poor. Imagine being seen on a bus instead of in your shiny six wheeler. Or we could move away from petroleum based fuels altogether, oh hang on can't do that either, that's for the hippies.

But wait, stepping through the clouds of exhaust fumes and the crowds of angry motorists comes John Howard with a plan to save us all. What will he propose, free public transport? Subsidies for hybrid vehicles? Massive investment in biodiesel and ethanol production and the conversion of existing vehicles to the new fuels? Electric cars perhaps?

What, LPG? Isn't that just going to just shift the problem? Won't the fuel companies just start charging more when more people start using it? How does that help all the truck drivers with diesel engines? Ohhhhh, I get it, you offer two grand to people to convert their cars to LPG and they just remember that you gave them two large and forget that you didn't do a damn thing for the environment or for Australia's future. Sorry, I keep forgetting, votes are more important than clean air.

Homeopathic Emergency Kit

2006-08-07T02:35:00.000+09:30

Ever been worried about getting involved in an accident? Well you are right to worry, I learned a shocking fact today. Paramedics have no training in homeopathy. When they arrive at an accident scene they can only use ineffectual 'proven' medical techniques based in 'science'.

This knowledge was so frightening that I've created the Homeopathic Emergency Kit that you can carry with you at all times. It contains the following essential items;

Distilled water: This handy liquid can be used to make any homeopathic remedy in an instant.

Sugar: Need a slighty more substantial remedy? Try these individual servings of sugar. They'll cure everything from cancer to hypothermia.

Blindfold: Just in case you encounter a patient who isn't a gullible twat or your own accident restores your common sense I've included this handy blindfold to help you fool yourself into thinking that homeopathy is something more than water and sugar pills.

This whole kit costs only $39.95, less than a single consultation with a homeopath. If you are a gullible fuckwit who thinks homeopathy isn't a load of crap then please leave your credit card details in the comments and I'll ship you your kit right away.

Define 'fact'

2006-08-02T23:51:00.000+09:30

I recently posted about the quack Don Tolman. The television show that I saw him on has now released a 'fact' sheet. I think they wait a while before making them available on their site so they can rake in all that 1900 fax cash from people who just can't wait to get hold of the misleading information.

It's chock full of made up shit about food looking like body parts and avocados preventing cervical cancer. They also make the common mistake of thinking that the phrase 'research shows' can be substituted for references to actual research and proof of the wild claims being made.

If you believe in this sort of crap then please send me $100 and I will send you my new book on exploring past lives based on your wisdom teeth. It's 100% accurate.

Kerri-Anne Cures Cancer

2006-07-16T06:56:00.000+09:30

Stuck at home with the flu this week I've been watching a few shows that I would normally not see. The real gem was a small segment on Kerri-Anne's show.

Kerri-Anne had a gent called Don Tolman as a guest. He had an impressive hat and moustache combination going on. His schtick was all about the mighty natural goodlyness that is fruit and vegetables, or 'whole food' as he preferred to call it.

I was amazed to discover that food that resembles a part of the body has health benefits for that portion of our anatomy. For example bunches of grapes, looking so much like a heart, are good for our arteries. Avocados with their strong resemblance to ovaries are obviously a magic potion for all sorts of fertility issues. Sadly he didn't have time to cover bananas or kiwi fruits, how disappointing.

The absolute peak of the segment was the revelation that stone fruits can cure cancer and have been used by many cultures to completely eradicate cancer from their society. Of course this information had been covered up by the evil governments and pharmaceutical companies who only exist to keep us sick and weak.

I was a little bit skeptical but it could just be because I'm a simple minded puppet of the multi-nationals and a slave to my brain washed beliefs, i.e. medical claims should be tested and proven, fruit isn't magic, a crap hat and tach doesn't make you a doctor.

This sort of shit annoys me more and more. He calls himself a 'food medicine expert', which is like my local greengrocer calling himself a gastroentorologist. Stick the word medicine in there and maybe a few suckers with cancer will shell out for a copy of your book, good scam you quack.

I'm not a regular viewer of Kerri-Anne's show, because it's so crap, but I'm pretty sure I could watch it every day for a good ten years and still not see a single segment that wasn't based around a product they are trying to flog.

Nice Manners

2006-07-08T03:42:00.000+09:30

Tonight a girl came into the shop and asked me if I could watch her bike for a while. I pointed out that I was working so I couldn't watch it all the time but said I'd keep an eye on it.

I was busy, Fridays always are, but I made sure to have a peek out of the window every few minutes to make sure nobody was strolling off with her bike.

About half an hour later she came back, got on her bike and rode off. She didn't bother to come into the shop and tell me that she was taking her bike. If I hadn't seen her take it I would have assumed that her bike had been stolen.

Was this silly bitch rude or am I just easily annoyed? If you ask someone to watch something for you it seems to me the polite thing to do would be to thank them for making sure your property wasn't stolen.

Perhaps I'm just getting older and starting to realize how shit the younger generation is.

Magnets, An Attractive Scam

2006-07-03T18:31:00.000+09:30

While having a laugh at the ridiculous posts on some perpetual motion sites I came across a bloke who managed to scam another poster out of a few thousand dollars. This probably wasn't that hard as the targets of the scam are all gullible folk who think they can build a magic generator with a few magnets and a bike wheel.

The scammer convinced his target to buy him computer equipment and a shed all on the promise that he had a perpetual motion machine that needed just a little bit more work. Shortly after this the scammer was banned from the site. The free energy types don't like anyone that shakes up their fantasy world.

Although he was banned there are always more marks out there just waiting to hand over money for empty promises. I noticed that he has moved to another forum and started putting out a few feelers. I'm not sure if I should sit back and watch the scam unfold and enjoy it for its entertainment value, or if I should warn the gullible twats that they are being played.

Maybe I should respond to him and pretend I'm interested in his scam, that could prove interesting.

World Cup Burnout

2006-06-29T04:23:00.000+09:30

I am so glad there is a break for a couple of days now that the round of sixteen is complete. I started to suffer some mental damage around game thirty four. All the matches are starting to blend together in my memory.

I've managed to watch fifty of the fifty six matches. The remaining six I have on tape to catch up on later, hopefully when my brain has cooled down a little and I'm able to lay down new memories.

I was a bit disappointed when the Netherlands got knocked out, they where my favourite for second place.

Proof that magnets cause brain damage

2006-06-26T03:32:00.000+09:30

Last night, whilst waiting for the next world cup match to kick-off, I stumbled into the world of magnets. I honestly don't think there are enough tin-foil hats in the whole world to cater for the quantity of fuckwits there seem to be out there.

Magnets can make you live forever!!!!! OMFG!!1!

http://www.quantumbalancing.com/vortex_magnetizer.htm
For only $36 these clowns will sell you a bit of plastic with some magnets in it that will allow you to implode your own super-dooper magic water. For some reason they don't accept returns or offer refunds of any sort, I wonder why? I thought this was a total scam until I noticed that they use some homeopathic substances. Everyone knows how reputable homeopathy is, it isn't just expensive bottles of distilled water.

http://www.alexchiu.com
This site is pure comedy gold. If his immortality magnets are half as good as his text formatting then sign me up. At only $26 this is a real bargain.
He seems to have some sort of pyramid selling scheme going on as well, but that might just be because the FDA are trying to stop him from getting his message out there. It's because of the global conspiracy though, not because he's a shit peddling scammer.
The real highlights are the testimonial from mega memory man Kevin Truduae and the part that says you should check with your doctor before using this product if you have a heart condition. So these magnets can cure you or everything and make you live forever, except for heart conditions? What an odd limitation.

Top Investment opportunities

There are plenty of companies out there that have designed perpetual motion magnet engines. They are happy to take your investment dollars but for some reason they never seem to have a completed product. Could it be a scam? No or course not, it's the new world order and the oil companies keeping this fantastic technology from hitting the shelves.
Lutec
Perendev

If you'd prefer to build your own why not buy some of these bargain priced plans. Only $19.95 and they're guaranteed to work.
http://www.fuellesspower.com/17_Perm_Magnet_mtrs.htm

Perpetual motion exists mang!!!!1!!

I'm not sure which is worse, the people who try to bilk folk out of their savings with their 'investment opportunities' in perpetual motion machines or the fuckwit hobbyists who think they can really build one of these. The idiots will believe almost anything, except logic and provable physics, anyone that posts some common sense is labeled a hater and a puppet of the oil companies and the establishment. With no proof at all they will believe that magnets can create unlimited power and the new world order has killed or bought off everyone who has ever built one of these machines. They also seem to think that the oil companies would never let this technology reach the public, even though you can go and buy an electric car.
http://www.overunity.com
http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum

Confusing coconuts for cherries

2006-06-23T01:55:00.000+09:30

I just love it when product get more expensive, smaller and are of reduced quality. I had a Cherry Ripe today and thought it was a little ordinary. Top work to Cadbury, their Cherry Ripes now contain 5% more coconut than they do cherries.

I'm looking forward to when they get rid of the cherries altogether and just fill them with coconut and old newspapers. Cheap bastards.

Handling balls in the nether regions

2006-06-13T21:20:00.000+09:30

Errrr, no I mean Netherlands don't I. I always get those two mixed up.

In an attempt to stop annoying people by prattling on about the World Cup I've decided to blog about it instead so people can opt in to my inane drivel.

Quick recap on what has happened so far: Best match so far was Sweden drawing with Trinidad and Tobago, great effort from such a small nation to keep such a strong European side from scoring.

Team that looks best so far is the Netherlands, they should go a long way with their high level of control and precision.

Most unexpected result was Australia's 3-1 against Japan. I thought a draw was the best Australia would be able to muster but they played at a higher level than I thought them capable of.

Recap of 12th June
Australia 3-1 Japan
Japan ran out of wind towards the end, they have speed but lack height and moved well overall.
Australia got off to a loose start and conceded a goal that should have been disallowed through interference with the keeper. Took them a while to get organised but they kept up the pace for the full ninety minutes and moved the ball well. Late substitutions sent them into an attack that Japan couldn't stop.

USA 0-3 Czech Republic
The USA are out of their fucking league. They look like a team that has read about football but never seen it played. Just couldn't get any real attacks together.
Czech Republic have solid teamwork and create plenty of chances on goal and have the ability to finish off. Strong and consistent.

Italy 2-0 Ghana
Italy have plenty of style and flare when they play. Strong defense and lots of firepower up front.
Ghana exude raw talent but seem to lack the discipline needed to finish off what should be fairly easy chances. They break with exceptional speed though and if they can get their shots on goals worked out they will be much harder to defeat in their next match.

Tips for 13th June
Korea Republic v Togo
Both teams have fairly new coaches. Togo lacks world cup experience whereas Korea performed well last time around. The African nations we've seen so far have certainly displayed flair but have lacked the discipline of the Europeans and haven't been able to convert a lot of their opportunities into goals. The question is can Togo's natural flair overcome the Koreans controlled play. Given that Australia managed to thrash Japan I think Togo have a chance over Korea.

France v Switzerland
Should be a hard game but I think France will hold out for a one goal victory.

Brazil v Croatia Draw
Both excellent sides and likely to be the toughest game so far. I think there is a very high likelihood of a draw between these two sides.

Too busy to read

2006-06-05T02:11:00.000+09:30

It's bad enough that people are so fucking important and busy that they need to keep in touch every second of the day with their mobiles and annoying wankie talkie style push to talk bullshit, but now it seems that people are so busy they can't even take the time to look at the things they purchase.

I'd like to cite three examples, hardly a rigorous scientific study but if the television networks aren't going to let facts get in their way I don't see why I should be restricted.

Recently a customer tried to return a bottle of ginger beer because it had 'bits' in it. Instead of looking at the writing on the bottle their first instinct was to complain, forcing me to read the label to them like they where three. Explaining that the yeast sediment was quite natural. Hmmm I'm not sure if I should draw a comparison to Sparkling Ale or thrush here?

The second example comes from that beacon of journalistic integrity Today Tonight. A while back they had a shocking report that exposed the evil that is the chocolate biscuit industry. Some witless bint bought a packet of tim tams. Scotch and coke flavour I think they were. Upon arriving home she was shocked to discover that the packet contained two less biscuits than the regular tim tams, even though they where the same price. Gee I can't imagine why a fancy flavoured gourmet tim tam would cost more. The packet clearly showed the number of biscuits it contained but she claimed this was a scam perpetrated by the biscuit manufacturer to prey on those people too busy to look at what they are buying. Cos fuck, who's got time to look at things these days. I hope her kids have peanut allergies.

Just found this moron selling tim tams on eBay. How odd. Never been eaten apparently, that's good. I wonder if the ones that he has eaten cost more or less.

The third example was kindly provided by my own father. Having listened to his sooking about the grey spots on his jar of asparagus for ten minutes I was forced to point to the section of the label that explained that these where natural deposits caused by the reaction of the vinegar with the salts in the asparagus. Or course by this time it was too late and the asparagus was in the bin. Wasteful twat.

What I'd like to know is why do so many people think complaining is the first step to take when something doesn't meet their expectations? Why not read the label or the manual or take a moment to think things through?

Writing manuals for a living must be fucking rewarding work.

Should I see a specialist?

2006-05-10T19:12:00.000+09:30

I think I'm allergic to hard work, it makes me break out in a sweat.

Newsflash: Nothing Happened

2006-05-06T22:12:00.000+09:30

Fuck, I'm sick of these cunts trapped in the mine in Tasmania. Sure it's sad, boo fucking hoo, but do we really need hourly updates to tell us that fuck all has changed. I don't think so. I was trying to watch a shit movie, the last ten minutes of which had a big graphic superimposed just in case I might not know there was no developments at all. Fuck off with that, I can't see the blonde giving wolverine a gobbie, cunts.

Here's a small tip for the television networks, if you are going to have people on location don't pick the most personality free vapid shit winkles you have on staff. I'm sick of them talking to deer in the headlights, omg I'm on tv witless fucktards who once saw one of the two miners in the local supermarket. Who gives a rats arse.

This sort of wankfull live television does make for plenty of top quotes though. The dim bint on channel nine has just said that they've had to resort to old fashioned mining such as picks, shovels and jack hammers. Yes, ye olde cornish miners used jack hammers all the time. Excellent for the delicate work.

Has anyone been counting the number of times the news ancwhores have said iPod? Every chance they get they mention that someone has given the miners some iPods. Have apple gotten in on the game, maybe this whole thing was staged just to sell iPods. I can't wait to see the marketing campaign. The funny thing is that the guy actually asked for an apple. The cunts in charge where just more concerned about product placement than nutrition.

Ahh thank fuck, the important news update is over, and suprise suprise, nothing at all has happened, wow. Back to the shitty movie now.

Missing the point of sale

2006-04-23T03:14:00.000+09:30

I recently bought some new cash registers for a client. Although I was only purchasing quite basic models I did enjoy checking out all the touch screen systems that where available. Plenty of feature packed units to help make a tedious and repetative job that little bit easier.

When it came time for me to pay for my purchases I was amazed to see that this business was using a DOS application from the early eighties to handle their own sales. What the fuck? In the middle of a showroom full of barcode scanners and touchscreens these people are using a twenty year old DOS program. They didn't even have their EFTPOS hooked up so they fucked up the transaction and had to give me a cash refund for the balance because they didn't know how to process a refund with the EFTPOS terminal.

Now, I can understand using an old program if it still meets your needs, no point spending money on unnecessary technology just for the sake of upgrading. But when you sell the bloody things and it takes you ten minutes to type in two serial numbers that you could have just selected from a list or scanned from a barcode I think it's time to put your trust in one of the solutions you are trying to sell.

This sort of things seems common, I know mechanics with shit cars and landscapers with dead lawns and if television commercials are anything to go by, and they probably aren't, there are plenty of hairdressers out there with fuggly hair. Maybe it's one of those forest for the trees things.

Three Blind Mice

2006-03-28T23:37:00.000+10:30

Caught a great touchy feely story this evening on Today Tonight. A bunch of blind kiddies were given a chance to drive around on a racetrack.

The best bit was when one of the driving instructors said how nice it was to "see their eyes light up". Umm, good choice of words.

Thought Of The Day

2006-03-20T21:54:00.000+10:30

Is it wrong to throw confetti at funerals?

The Biggest...

2006-03-09T03:09:00.000+10:30

There is a place in South Australia that claims to have the worlds largest rocking horse. Only problem is the thing doesn't rock. So is it a rocking horse or not? I say it isn't and these clowns should be fined for false advertising.

Every few years, I assume it coincides with the printing of the latest guiness book of retards, the commercial stations run a 'news' story about the person with the worlds longest hair. It's always such a heart warming story, how the idiot in question washes it once a year in a washing maching and how the local villagers all come to pray to it to heal their goats. These people never actually have long hair. They have manky dreadlocks that might measure twenty meters long but that is like claiming you've got the worlds largest sheep because you have a ball of wool that is fifty meters long. Wash and brush these morons hair and I'll bet you won't find a strand longer than two metres. But I suppose 'hair of average length' won't sell copies of the guiness book of tards.

Wasting Time

2006-03-06T01:46:00.000+10:30

It seems like the more work there is to do the harder I work on pointless tasks. Back when I was drinking my way through university I hated cleaning my house, but given an exam to study for, or an assignment to finish, I'd be scrubbing the shower and mopping the kitchen floor quite happily. What is it about deadlines that suddenly makes the pointless seem so attractive?

For the last few days I've been working on some code in my spare time to solve a puzzle my uncle lent me. I borrowed it from him almost a year ago. Nobody he'd shown it to had been able to solve it, nor had he had any success. I told him I'd have a crack at it. Of course as soon as I attempted to solve the puzzle I was distracted by some pointless crap. Now that I'm loaded up with other projects I find myself wasting time solving puzzles.

If I could work out some sort of rotating schedule perhaps I could distract myself into actually getting some real work done.

Here's a picture of the Last Piece Puzzle solution just to prove that I really did do something in the last ten years besides drink. If you'd like to licence the code used to solve this puzzle to help you stack boxes more effectively in your warehouse please send cheques or beer.

The Bubble Has Burst

2006-02-24T15:27:00.000+10:30

Arrrr, what sort of idiots create television commercials. I just saw an ad for some crap that helps stop bloating after you've gorged yourself stupid.

They demonstrate how effective it is by putting a single drop of the product into a beaker with lots of bubbles on top. The bubbles all burst proving what a fantastic product this is.

Like most ads there is no logic at all. Sure all the bubbles might have burst but wouldn't all the gas still be trapped in your stomach? But if you are making a product for idiots that eat until they are sick, having an ad made by idiots is probably a good move.

Special Olympics

2006-02-15T23:01:00.000+10:30

I saw a recap of a few events from the special olympics today. It's nice that someone who can't stay upright can still win a silver medal in the pairs figure skating. Perhaps sliding along on your arse could be the exhibition sport at the next games.

I imagine that the real reason for the result is that all the judges bet on the Chinese pair and didn't want to lose their cash.

It's Not Too Late

2006-02-13T14:46:00.000+10:30

A rather attractive customer came into the shop yesterday. After she had ordered she turned to her friend and exclaimed "Oh no, I didn't get to try out the pink pole". I'm assuming she was talking about a fishing rod, but I can't be certain.

I'm glad she couldn't hear what I was thinking.

Sweet Irony

2006-02-10T03:31:00.000+10:30

The bit I see:

A little girl walks into the shop. She makes her way up to the counter and stands up on tiptoes to see over. 'May I have one of those chocolates please?' she asks as she places a few coins on the counter.

'No, I'm sorry, you don't have enough for one of those. You can afford one of these lollypops though.' I reply from behind the counter.

'Okay, I'll ha-'

'Don't you have enough there dearie?' interrupts the large matronly woman who sails up behind the little girl. 'Here's five dollars, you buy yourself some nice sweeties dear.'

'Ummm, I'm not sure that's a good idea.' I interject.

'Oh fiddle-faddle young man.' Madam says with a dismissive wave of her hand. She places a crisp five dollar note in the little girl's hand. 'You just tell the man what you'd like.'

The bit I don't see:

'It seems she ingested a large amount of sugar and it sent her into a diabetic coma.' The doctor glances up from his notes to meet the mothers eye. 'I'm afraid we didn't get to her in time, permanent damage has been done to her kidneys. It's quite likely that she'll need regular dialysis for the rest of her life.'

'I don't understand it doctor,' says the girls mother. 'I give her twenty cents every week to buy one lollypop. We're always very careful to manage her diet properly. I just don't understand how this could happen.'

Meanwhile:

'Oh Herbert, I did the nicest thing today.' says Madam with a hint of pride. 'This poor young girl couldn't afford any sweeties so I bought her a nice big bag full. Probably more than her parents could afford, the poor little urchin.'

'Now dear you really shouldn't interfere with peoples children.' Herbert intones with a note of concern in his voice.

'What possible harm could it do Herbert?' Madam says shaking her head. 'You fuss too much.'

Herbert sighs, 'Yes Dear.'

Don't fuck with other peoples kids you weirdos.

Chicken Logic

2006-02-09T04:43:00.000+10:30

At work we sell roasted chickens. You can buy a whole chicken, a half, or a quarter, but we only cut one chicken up at a time. If you want a wing quarter and all we've got is a leg we won't cut another chicken until that leg has been sold. The reason, wings are far more popular than legs. If we sold a wing to every customer that wanted one, at the end of the day we'd have a huge pile of legs that would go to waste. Also a lot of customers who want to buy whole chickens would miss out because all the chooks have been de-winged and four legs isn't quite the same.

A recent customer used the following false analogy to try and show me the error of my ways.

He told me if I was to order a chicken schnitzel in his hotel, I wouldn't be forced to have beef gravy on it just because the last customer had cheese sauce on theirs.

I love how people try to use an argument that seems related to the issue at hand but, actually, has nothing in common with it at all. He couldn't understand the difference between selling lots of identical schnitzels and selling pieces of roast chicken.

He didn't seem happy when I offered him a chicken schnitzel either. Even though I gave him a choice of sauces.

Tard Spotters

2006-02-06T03:08:00.000+10:30

Watching television today I saw an advert for 'A Current Affair'. On an upcoming show they have a story about the illegal use of disabled parking permits(permits for disabled folk, not people that can't parallel park).

One of the lines thrown out to catch the viewers attention was "does this person look disabled". Their point was that abled people are using disabled permits to get good parking spots and avoid paying fines. They do, however, seem to think that you can tell who is disabled simply by looking at them.

I think ACA should stick to bogon neighbour disputes, where you can get the cheapest groceries and all the pseudo-stories that are really thinly veiled adverts. Leave the journalism to those with at least half a brain.

I hope lots of idiots get out and start confronting the people using disabled parking permits. Better to hassle disabled people than risk letting someone park a bit closer to the shops than you.

This reminds me of a story on Triple J's Hack. They spoke to a young lady whose brain had been injured in a car accident. She is on a disability pension and has a concession card for public transport. Because she doesn't look disabled the stupid cunts that sell train tickets have confiscated her concession card several times. They must have some top training.

I think the obvious solution is some sort of forehead tattoo for disabled people. That should guarantee they aren't accidentally mistaken for normal people.

Mexican Beef

2006-02-04T02:18:00.000+10:30

Last week one of the competitors at a mexican bullfight, the fat one, got a bit excited and leapt into the crowd. Several of the spectators were injured before they eventually killed the bull.

It seems a little hypocritical to attend a bloodsport and then complain just because the blood involved happens to be your own. I think audience participation is what has been missing from bloodsports. Imaging it, kickboxing where there is a chance the fighters will smash you in the face if you get a bit too vocal. Cockfights where corn is sprinkled throughout the audience so you never know if you'll have your shins raked off with a set of spurs.

It seems a shame to kill the one creature present that isn't a violence hungry fucktard. I hope they kept plenty of semen so they can breed up a new generation of revolutionary bulls to continue the protest against stupid passtimes.

Hang on, bullfighting is a tradition. Must be okay then.

Bushfire Benefits

2006-01-31T01:54:00.000+10:30

Bushfires have long had a bad reputation. I blame the media for attaching labels to every little natural disaster, Ash Wednesday, Black Tuesday, or in the case of the Boxing Day Tsunami, Moist Sunday.

The media spin tends to highlight the negative aspects of bushfires and people consider them bad things. People should be made aware of the upside of bushfires.

The current fires in Australia have filled the atmosphere with ash. These tiny particles cause droplets to form and lead to precipitation. For those of us lucky enough to live downwind of the fires we've had some lovely rains that have made summer far more pleasant.

I think the government should organise regular fires every summer. Sure it destroys thousands of acres of bush and farmland, but that's a small price to pay if I don't have to bother watering the lawn for a few days.

Media Cancer

2006-01-28T17:32:00.000+10:30

With several hours of television news, every day, why do the networks reduce each story down to a few sentences? They prune away all the facts and background information, leaving a snappy sound bite and a few buzzwords to superimpose over the stock image behind the news mannequin.

Ian Frazer has been working on a vaccine for Human Papilloma Virus for fifteen years. This vaccine provides protection against several strains of Human Papilloma Virus. HPV causes seventy percent of cervical cancer cases.

How does the media report this breakthrough that will save thousands of lives? They describe it as a 'Cancer Vaccine'. I'm sure the nations doctors will be pleased when hundreds of tards who have heard a sound bite about a cure for cancer start filling their waiting rooms.

Or maybe they'll think that cervical cancer only effects tennis players.

Vote 1 For Apathy

2006-01-28T03:11:00.000+10:30

John Howard's recent reshuffle of the novelty deck that is his cabinet gives an interesting insight into the dedication it takes to be a politician.

The Nationals, in an "I'm taking my ball and going home" sort of attitude have declared that they may not vote with the Liberals on future issues. Gives me a warm glow to know that this nations politicians carefully consider each issue before them and then vote in a way that will provide the best outcome for the people of Australia. No, hang on, they just follow the party line like a bunch of mindless zombies.

Sadly there is no alternative. For all the talk there is little difference between political parties. Perhaps a bloody coup is the solution. If you have a gun and want lower taxes then sign up for a bold new future.

If your child is a drug mule...

2006-01-26T02:04:00.000+10:30

then chances are you're an ass.

If your child is arrested with a huge stash of smack taped to them who would you blame? Your child for being a drug trafficing tool, or the Australian Federal Police.

Obviously the AFP where out of line. How dare they share information with their Indonesian counterparts. It was inconsiderate of them to be so professional and internationally minded.

If the opposite had happened and information was not shared, these same fuckers would be complaining about Indonesian drug dealers poisoning their precious kids with their filthy heroin.

It's a shame that they are only going to shoot the kids, not the parents.

The Marketing Dimension

2006-01-25T03:41:00.000+10:30

Television comercials make less and less sense to me. I assume this is because marketing professionals are from a parrallel dimension where logic works in a different way.

Here's a few ads that have caught my attention recently.

Extreme margarine.

There are a few different spreads on the market that claim to reduce your cholesterol. What a top idea. Instead of altering your diet to increase your health you can just keep slathering on the fatty spreads that fucked up your cholesterol in the first place.

The ad for one of these spreads features an over the hill bloke eating a sandwich and telling us all how this great spread has lowered his cholesterol. He can now do all the things he's been missing out on for years. He then jumps off a bridge, sadly he is secured with a bungee rope. I don't understand how having high colesterol stops you from bungee jumping. Most people don't even know they have high cholesterol until they see a doctor. The only condition that might make it hard for you to enjoy jumping off of things is having no legs. If they come up with a tasty spread to cure that, then I'm interested.

You suck for the same reason we don't.

A recent Subway ad shows some sandwich monkeys ringing a burger place. They ask the burger jockeys if they sell sandwiches, which of course they don't. Lots of smug "how good are we 'cos we sell something they don't" laughter follows. So apparently Subway are better than burger places because Subway sell sandwiches. Which means that burger places are better than Subway because Subway don't sell burgers and chips. So they are both better than each other in some sort of junk food infinite loop.

Borrow your way out of debt.

There has been an increase in ads for short term loans recently. If you are in debt and can't make it to your next payday, or you are a bit short and need some cash to get an anniversary gift for your spouse then these vampires can help.

I'm not an accountant or anything but I don't see how borrowing more money to add to your credit card bills and gambling debts is going to help. The lenders must love it when people with no hope of repaying the full amount borrow money and make repayments for the next ten years on the three hundred they needed to get their missus some new blonde highlights for her birthday.

It could be that these products are aimed at tards and the lack of logic isn't a problem. Or perhaps it's my fault for expecting television to make any sense.

Safety Darts

2006-01-16T02:25:00.000+10:30

A recent conversation with a friend reminded me that not everyone is familiar with this game. Safety Darts is a common Australian game, also known as Drunken Tossers in some states.

This game was invented over four hundred years ago when a bloke in a pub threw the lid off his bottle of beer towards a bin and missed. The bottle cap bounced on the floor and then landed in the bin. His mates promptly bet him he couldn't do it again and a lively competition ensued. The name of this clumsy pisshead is lost in the mists of time and alcohol. However the game remains and is laregly unchanged from these early days.

The rules of the game are quite simple. Players each have three bottle caps and, standing behind a line, take it in turn to launch them at the target. There are many techniques used to launch the caps, some of the most popular are the Second Joint Flip, the Middle Finger Twist and popular with amateurs the Finger Snap.

Many beginners prefer to hold their cap 'bowlwards' for easier delivery, experts however rarely use this grip as it reduces the edge speed and produces less rotations making it much harder to acheive multiple bounce shots.

The cap must bounce at least once before it lands in the target, a 'full toss' is not allowed. This rule is of course different in Carpet Safety Darts where the target is a completely different size and shape.

Points are scored for each bounce the cap makes before reaching the target, if the cap falls short of the target no points are scored. If the rebound rule is in play the score is doubled for a shot that bounces off the wall behind the target. It is also possible to double your score by nominating which way up the cap will land. Although an incorrect nomination will result in no points for the shot.

In games involving gambling (Safety Darts is the only game other than two-up in which it is legal to place wagers in Australian pubs) it is quite common to place a small recepticle inside the target. Each player adds a stake to this container each round and the player who lands his shot inside the recepticle claims the pool. Sometimes this small inner target is also used to award extra points when gambling is not involved.

In general play each player delivers their three caps and scores for each delivery. Their caps are then cleared away and the next player has their turn. In some tournament play however all players take one shot and only the closest to the centre of the target scores for their shot.

A handicapping system is popular in club matches. By altering the distances from which a player delivers their shot it is possible for experienced tournament players to compete fairly with amatuers.

Most major cities in Australia have several clubs that offer training and competitions. The game is also becoming popular in the United States and parts of Europe. Next time you are having a few drinks with friends why not challenge them to a game, you'll soon find out that it is quite addictive.

How To Save A Million Dollars

2006-01-10T02:53:00.000+10:30

Many of the best financial secrets are closely guarded by the economic wizards who devise them. Close observation can, however, often reveal some of the techniques involved. I've been lucky enough to be in a postition to witness such monetary genius at work. I think it only fair that I share what I've learnt with you all.

The process involved is quite simple, any one can do it with only a few dollars of startup capital. All you have to do is go to your local take away food outlet and order a plain hot dog. Don't forget to repeat the word plain several times, there is no better way to guarantee top class service than to treat the staff like they are retarded and can't understand a simple order. Once you've paid for your hot dog it's time to stand back and wait for your investment to mature.

When your hot dog is ready ask for sauce. As you have already paid for your meal it is unlikely they will bother to charge you the extra five cents for the sauce.

Now all you need to do is buy a hot dog and scam free sauce every day for a little over fifty-four thousand years and you'll have saved a cool million.

Think this is a stupid way of saving money? Tell that to all the Beakers that try this on me every day.

Food Allergies Are The New Black

2006-01-08T15:41:00.000+10:30

Want to look trendy and hip for the new year, well who doesn't. There are so many options it's hard to know which to choose. You could pierce part of your face, the lip or tounge being the hottest options, so you get that sexy Sylvester lisp.

How about a fauxhawk like so many other style vacuums out there. There is nothing cooler than copying what someone was doing months ago. Don't forget the blonde tips.

Perhaps a tattoo just above the arse is more your style. To really stand out I recommend some malformed chinese characters so your friends will know you are available with extra fried rice.

However, if you really want to place yourself at the cutting edge of fashion you can't go past a non-reactive food allergy. All the social benifits of a regular food allergy with the bonus of being able to eat the food you are allergic to.

Here's how it works in a typical social situation:

I'll have the burger with everything on it please. Oh but no egg, I can't
have egg, I'm allergic to egg, even the tiniest bit and I'll die. Can I
get extra mayonnaise on that please.

The hot tip for next season: diabetes.

Beaker Event Horizon

2006-01-08T02:50:00.000+10:30

A few days ago at work I reached the beaker event horizon. Don't know what that is? Well it's the moment when the customers and some colleagues start to look and sound like this guy:

Although often not as well dressed.

There are many different and well documented influences that can bring about the BEH. In this case it was caused by the daily exposure to idiot customers and accelerated by unhelpful co-workers.

When this happens there are only a few options, you can quit your job and go somewhere the idiots can't find you. You can start to imagine yourself as Professor Honeydew. You can start punching. Or you can start venting your hatred of the idiots to anyone who will listen. I wonder which option I'll choose.