Facial, No The Other Kind

I saw an interesting product on television this week. The Derma Wand. It makes you look all pretty if you rub it on your face. The technical specs are non-existent on the sites selling the devices. As far as I can ascertain it's basically a vibrator.

It claims to oxygenate your skin, which confuses me because people spend hundreds of dollars on creams and moisturisers containing anti-oxidants. It also has no source for this oxygen, which could be why it is called a wand, because it would have to be magic to actually work as claimed.

It can shrink your pores, get rid of the sags and the wrinkles and the lines. I think a better bet would be to just stop fucking with your face so much. Stop poking at it and smearing so many ointments on it. It's not helping.

If this device does have any effect I'd bet you'd get the exact same benefit from a simple face massage. Plus you have the benefit of not wasting a few hundred bucks.

In this YouTube video a woman mentions that she likes to take it home and give herself some "critical attention every day". So it could actually be a covert way for shy housewives to buy themselves a vibrator.

But then maybe is does work, after all, would an esthatition lie?

Food Allergies Are The New Black

Want to look trendy and hip for the new year, well who doesn't. There are so many options it's hard to know which to choose. You could pierce part of your face, the lip or tounge being the hottest options, so you get that sexy Sylvester lisp.

How about a fauxhawk like so many other style vacuums out there. There is nothing cooler than copying what someone was doing months ago. Don't forget the blonde tips.

Perhaps a tattoo just above the arse is more your style. To really stand out I recommend some malformed chinese characters so your friends will know you are available with extra fried rice.

However, if you really want to place yourself at the cutting edge of fashion you can't go past a non-reactive food allergy. All the social benifits of a regular food allergy with the bonus of being able to eat the food you are allergic to.

Here's how it works in a typical social situation:

I'll have the burger with everything on it please. Oh but no egg, I can't
have egg, I'm allergic to egg, even the tiniest bit and I'll die. Can I
get extra mayonnaise on that please.

The hot tip for next season: diabetes.