Nice Manners

Tonight a girl came into the shop and asked me if I could watch her bike for a while. I pointed out that I was working so I couldn't watch it all the time but said I'd keep an eye on it.

I was busy, Fridays always are, but I made sure to have a peek out of the window every few minutes to make sure nobody was strolling off with her bike.

About half an hour later she came back, got on her bike and rode off. She didn't bother to come into the shop and tell me that she was taking her bike. If I hadn't seen her take it I would have assumed that her bike had been stolen.

Was this silly bitch rude or am I just easily annoyed? If you ask someone to watch something for you it seems to me the polite thing to do would be to thank them for making sure your property wasn't stolen.

Perhaps I'm just getting older and starting to realize how shit the younger generation is.

Too busy to read

It's bad enough that people are so fucking important and busy that they need to keep in touch every second of the day with their mobiles and annoying wankie talkie style push to talk bullshit, but now it seems that people are so busy they can't even take the time to look at the things they purchase.

I'd like to cite three examples, hardly a rigorous scientific study but if the television networks aren't going to let facts get in their way I don't see why I should be restricted.

Recently a customer tried to return a bottle of ginger beer because it had 'bits' in it. Instead of looking at the writing on the bottle their first instinct was to complain, forcing me to read the label to them like they where three. Explaining that the yeast sediment was quite natural. Hmmm I'm not sure if I should draw a comparison to Sparkling Ale or thrush here?

The second example comes from that beacon of journalistic integrity Today Tonight. A while back they had a shocking report that exposed the evil that is the chocolate biscuit industry. Some witless bint bought a packet of tim tams. Scotch and coke flavour I think they were. Upon arriving home she was shocked to discover that the packet contained two less biscuits than the regular tim tams, even though they where the same price. Gee I can't imagine why a fancy flavoured gourmet tim tam would cost more. The packet clearly showed the number of biscuits it contained but she claimed this was a scam perpetrated by the biscuit manufacturer to prey on those people too busy to look at what they are buying. Cos fuck, who's got time to look at things these days. I hope her kids have peanut allergies.

Just found this moron selling tim tams on eBay. How odd. Never been eaten apparently, that's good. I wonder if the ones that he has eaten cost more or less.

The third example was kindly provided by my own father. Having listened to his sooking about the grey spots on his jar of asparagus for ten minutes I was forced to point to the section of the label that explained that these where natural deposits caused by the reaction of the vinegar with the salts in the asparagus. Or course by this time it was too late and the asparagus was in the bin. Wasteful twat.

What I'd like to know is why do so many people think complaining is the first step to take when something doesn't meet their expectations? Why not read the label or the manual or take a moment to think things through?

Writing manuals for a living must be fucking rewarding work.

Sweet Irony

The bit I see:

A little girl walks into the shop. She makes her way up to the counter and stands up on tiptoes to see over. 'May I have one of those chocolates please?' she asks as she places a few coins on the counter.

'No, I'm sorry, you don't have enough for one of those. You can afford one of these lollypops though.' I reply from behind the counter.

'Okay, I'll ha-'

'Don't you have enough there dearie?' interrupts the large matronly woman who sails up behind the little girl. 'Here's five dollars, you buy yourself some nice sweeties dear.'

'Ummm, I'm not sure that's a good idea.' I interject.

'Oh fiddle-faddle young man.' Madam says with a dismissive wave of her hand. She places a crisp five dollar note in the little girl's hand. 'You just tell the man what you'd like.'


The bit I don't see:

'It seems she ingested a large amount of sugar and it sent her into a diabetic coma.' The doctor glances up from his notes to meet the mothers eye. 'I'm afraid we didn't get to her in time, permanent damage has been done to her kidneys. It's quite likely that she'll need regular dialysis for the rest of her life.'

'I don't understand it doctor,' says the girls mother. 'I give her twenty cents every week to buy one lollypop. We're always very careful to manage her diet properly. I just don't understand how this could happen.'


Meanwhile:

'Oh Herbert, I did the nicest thing today.' says Madam with a hint of pride. 'This poor young girl couldn't afford any sweeties so I bought her a nice big bag full. Probably more than her parents could afford, the poor little urchin.'

'Now dear you really shouldn't interfere with peoples children.' Herbert intones with a note of concern in his voice.

'What possible harm could it do Herbert?' Madam says shaking her head. 'You fuss too much.'

Herbert sighs, 'Yes Dear.'

Don't fuck with other peoples kids you weirdos.

Chicken Logic

At work we sell roasted chickens. You can buy a whole chicken, a half, or a quarter, but we only cut one chicken up at a time. If you want a wing quarter and all we've got is a leg we won't cut another chicken until that leg has been sold. The reason, wings are far more popular than legs. If we sold a wing to every customer that wanted one, at the end of the day we'd have a huge pile of legs that would go to waste. Also a lot of customers who want to buy whole chickens would miss out because all the chooks have been de-winged and four legs isn't quite the same.

A recent customer used the following false analogy to try and show me the error of my ways.

He told me if I was to order a chicken schnitzel in his hotel, I wouldn't be forced to have beef gravy on it just because the last customer had cheese sauce on theirs.

I love how people try to use an argument that seems related to the issue at hand but, actually, has nothing in common with it at all. He couldn't understand the difference between selling lots of identical schnitzels and selling pieces of roast chicken.

He didn't seem happy when I offered him a chicken schnitzel either. Even though I gave him a choice of sauces.

How To Save A Million Dollars

Many of the best financial secrets are closely guarded by the economic wizards who devise them. Close observation can, however, often reveal some of the techniques involved. I've been lucky enough to be in a postition to witness such monetary genius at work. I think it only fair that I share what I've learnt with you all.

The process involved is quite simple, any one can do it with only a few dollars of startup capital. All you have to do is go to your local take away food outlet and order a plain hot dog. Don't forget to repeat the word plain several times, there is no better way to guarantee top class service than to treat the staff like they are retarded and can't understand a simple order. Once you've paid for your hot dog it's time to stand back and wait for your investment to mature.

When your hot dog is ready ask for sauce. As you have already paid for your meal it is unlikely they will bother to charge you the extra five cents for the sauce.

Now all you need to do is buy a hot dog and scam free sauce every day for a little over fifty-four thousand years and you'll have saved a cool million.

Think this is a stupid way of saving money? Tell that to all the Beakers that try this on me every day.

Food Allergies Are The New Black

Want to look trendy and hip for the new year, well who doesn't. There are so many options it's hard to know which to choose. You could pierce part of your face, the lip or tounge being the hottest options, so you get that sexy Sylvester lisp.

How about a fauxhawk like so many other style vacuums out there. There is nothing cooler than copying what someone was doing months ago. Don't forget the blonde tips.

Perhaps a tattoo just above the arse is more your style. To really stand out I recommend some malformed chinese characters so your friends will know you are available with extra fried rice.

However, if you really want to place yourself at the cutting edge of fashion you can't go past a non-reactive food allergy. All the social benifits of a regular food allergy with the bonus of being able to eat the food you are allergic to.

Here's how it works in a typical social situation:

I'll have the burger with everything on it please. Oh but no egg, I can't
have egg, I'm allergic to egg, even the tiniest bit and I'll die. Can I
get extra mayonnaise on that please.

The hot tip for next season: diabetes.

Beaker Event Horizon

A few days ago at work I reached the beaker event horizon. Don't know what that is? Well it's the moment when the customers and some colleagues start to look and sound like this guy:

Although often not as well dressed.

There are many different and well documented influences that can bring about the BEH. In this case it was caused by the daily exposure to idiot customers and accelerated by unhelpful co-workers.

When this happens there are only a few options, you can quit your job and go somewhere the idiots can't find you. You can start to imagine yourself as Professor Honeydew. You can start punching. Or you can start venting your hatred of the idiots to anyone who will listen. I wonder which option I'll choose.