Facial, No The Other Kind

I saw an interesting product on television this week. The Derma Wand. It makes you look all pretty if you rub it on your face. The technical specs are non-existent on the sites selling the devices. As far as I can ascertain it's basically a vibrator.

It claims to oxygenate your skin, which confuses me because people spend hundreds of dollars on creams and moisturisers containing anti-oxidants. It also has no source for this oxygen, which could be why it is called a wand, because it would have to be magic to actually work as claimed.

It can shrink your pores, get rid of the sags and the wrinkles and the lines. I think a better bet would be to just stop fucking with your face so much. Stop poking at it and smearing so many ointments on it. It's not helping.

If this device does have any effect I'd bet you'd get the exact same benefit from a simple face massage. Plus you have the benefit of not wasting a few hundred bucks.

In this YouTube video a woman mentions that she likes to take it home and give herself some "critical attention every day". So it could actually be a covert way for shy housewives to buy themselves a vibrator.

But then maybe is does work, after all, would an esthatition lie?

Manly Men Don't Want To Keep It Bottled Up

Channel Ten News just had a story about the Manly council proposing a ban on bottled water. Apparently bottled water has a bigger 'carbon footprint' than tap water. I think this is a superb idea and not in any way retarded. Next we should get rid of cars because they wear larger carbon shoes than bicycles and follow that up with the abolition of long pants in favour of more environmentally friendly shorts and kilts.

Does the Ten Network show stories like this to try and discredit environmentalists? Instead of talking about science and facts they go for the 'oh look at what the crazy greenie said this time' angle. Making it harder for scientists and environmentalists to get serious points across.

Yesterday they had a story with Federal Minister for Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry, Peter McGauran. He was again stating how much he hates wind turbines. From this story I learnt that wind farms only produce about 8% of their capacity, are very noisy and nobody wants them built anywhere near them. I'm surprised he didn't pull out the one about them causing epilepsy.

Combine that with his past claim that wind farms don't generate any measurable amounts of electricity and I'm starting to wonder if a windmill killed his parents and he's harboured a deep resentment of them ever since. Or perhaps he actually believes these lies.

Maybe he should stick to the sheep, fish and trees and leave everything else to the grownups.

So, is it the fault of the media for showing these idiots without providing any facts to allow viewers to learn the truth of the matter. Or is it the fault of the idiots for being idiots and talking shit about things they know nothing about?

Look out McGauran, it's got a taste for blood and it's coming to get you.

ENAR II: Son Of ENAR

Here is the footage of the ENAR on A Current Affair:

And another fine bit of shill work from Channel Nine:

Here's some footage of the SCENAR healing a guys burns. The SCENAR is the ENARs big brother or retarded cousin, something like that. It's a pretty amazing device, not only did it heal the burns it also managed to replace a scar and a tattoo to the burned area.

To quote Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson: Wank, wank, money in the bank.

Security Guard In Double Blind Study

Right, dozens of LASERs but not one motion sensor? Do not use over the counter pain relievers as part of your home security system. If burglars persist, please see you doctor.

Beaten To The Punch

Just in case last weeks ENAR device wasn't scamtastic enough Channel Nine's program A Current Affair has followed up with some more gold standard quackery. This time it's a magic drink that will solve all your blood pressure woes.

The product is called Dr Red and is a cordial made from many ingredients including Rosselle, a species of hibiscus. The usual claims were made regarding the existence of supporting evidence and trials. The evidence is pretty thin though. After reading the information presented about the trials I was only able to conclude that this punch doesn't kill mice. Hardly a breakthrough.

I assume that Channel Nine will push any product if given enough cash. It would certainly explain all the product placement and infomercial style of the segment. Or perhaps they just don't do too much research into their stories. Either way it is worrying that so much bunk is being broadcast.

You can see the segment on the ACA website. My favourite part is a close shot of the bottle where we can read on the label:

Antioxidant Enriched
Evidence Based
Rosella Concentrate

Still, at just $53.00 for a 750ml bottle it's a bargain. Regular cordial is only $3.00 but that has a fruit base which is easier to get in the bottle than an evidence base.

Beverages are also available to aid your immune system and your prostate. It looks like this company has solved mankind's health dilemmas single handed. We should all thank the nutraceuticals industry for allowing us to pay prescription prices for everyday grocery items.

In contrast, as I'm writing this Channel Ten news is running a story about Chinese herbs. The segment is about a study being conducted to see if particular herbs lower blood sugar. Unlike A Current Affair they don't mention a brand name and vague unsupported claims to try and sell units. Maybe they could teach Channel Nine the difference between science and shite.

Now I'm off to have a nice glass of evidence based milk.

So ENAR Yet So Far

Another nugget of gold from A Current Affair. This time they are promoting health fraud in the form of the ENAR.

The ENAR is a small device that looks much like a remote control. The promoters claim that it can relieve pain.

Why do I think it is a scam? A few reasons, the first warning sign was the stated origin of the technology. Scammers often claim fantastic origins for their devices to make them sound more astounding. The ENAR has its origins in the Russian space program. Apparently.

Second major warning sign came in the form of research. It's standard practise to claim that a university or noted scientist has proven the efficacy of a product when really it's all bullshit. In this case the research comes from Macquarie University. Now, this part isn't bullshit, the study really does exist. Does it prove the ENAR works? No. The study was not double blinded and the grand total of subjects to be treated with the ENAR? Nine. Yup, just nine people. Can you get statistically significant results with such a small group. Again, I'm going to say no.

Third warning sign? My grandmother had a device very similar to this given to her over ten years ago. Just like the perpetual motion machines this looks like an old scam that is being given a fresh coat of paint.

Maybe this device does work and is very effective. I don't really care if it works or not. What I do care about is television networks promoting health treatments when there is only the thinnest shimmer of evidence to support the very large claims and the very large $1400 price tag of these devices.

Is It Still Clever If You Alter Reality To Fit The Joke?

Microwaves count down, fuckers.

The Secret

Top work from Channel Nine. A Current Affair just had a story about a con man ripping people off under the cover of running seminars based on the abortion of intellect that is The Secret.

Now that doesn't sound that bad until you realise that Channel Nine produced The Secret movie. So they help create the phenomenon and then they pick on the people who are using it to scam idiots. There is no other purpose for The Secret other than parting people from their money so I'm not sure why they are so suprised.

For those of you who have no idea what The Secret is it is basically praying for money. Perfect for the shallow, trendy, entitled people and the idiots who feed on them.

Forensic Science For Dummies

I don't know why I punish myself by watching television. Like many bad relationships, after a few weeks apart you forget all the abuse and think it will be different this time around.

I turned on the television this week to be presented with a show about forensic science. It was quite interesting. It focused on how field techniques are taught. This involved the use of donated bodies. Sounded like a great idea for something to do with the leftovers after you die. Donate your organs and then let them play with the other bits to teach police and scientists how to find and recover evidence.

Everything was fine until the guy instructing the group pulled out a pair of rods and started demonstrating how to find a buried corpse by dowsing. If I'd been on the course I would have asked for my money back right then.

What the fuck is up with the television networks lately? There's psychic detectives solving crimes all over the place. It must annoy the people who really solve crimes through hard work and hours of boring slog.

The government should consider introducing some laws to make semi-retarded bullshit illegal. People are stupid enough already without seeing this sort of crap and thinking that the magic pixies will help them to win the lottery because the spirit of their dead mother is talking to them through the keno numbers.

Define 'fact'

I recently posted about the quack Don Tolman. The television show that I saw him on has now released a 'fact' sheet. I think they wait a while before making them available on their site so they can rake in all that 1900 fax cash from people who just can't wait to get hold of the misleading information.

It's chock full of made up shit about food looking like body parts and avocados preventing cervical cancer. They also make the common mistake of thinking that the phrase 'research shows' can be substituted for references to actual research and proof of the wild claims being made.

If you believe in this sort of crap then please send me $100 and I will send you my new book on exploring past lives based on your wisdom teeth. It's 100% accurate.

Kerri-Anne Cures Cancer

Stuck at home with the flu this week I've been watching a few shows that I would normally not see. The real gem was a small segment on Kerri-Anne's show.

Kerri-Anne had a gent called Don Tolman as a guest. He had an impressive hat and moustache combination going on. His schtick was all about the mighty natural goodlyness that is fruit and vegetables, or 'whole food' as he preferred to call it.

I was amazed to discover that food that resembles a part of the body has health benefits for that portion of our anatomy. For example bunches of grapes, looking so much like a heart, are good for our arteries. Avocados with their strong resemblance to ovaries are obviously a magic potion for all sorts of fertility issues. Sadly he didn't have time to cover bananas or kiwi fruits, how disappointing.

The absolute peak of the segment was the revelation that stone fruits can cure cancer and have been used by many cultures to completely eradicate cancer from their society. Of course this information had been covered up by the evil governments and pharmaceutical companies who only exist to keep us sick and weak.

I was a little bit skeptical but it could just be because I'm a simple minded puppet of the multi-nationals and a slave to my brain washed beliefs, i.e. medical claims should be tested and proven, fruit isn't magic, a crap hat and tach doesn't make you a doctor.

This sort of shit annoys me more and more. He calls himself a 'food medicine expert', which is like my local greengrocer calling himself a gastroentorologist. Stick the word medicine in there and maybe a few suckers with cancer will shell out for a copy of your book, good scam you quack.

I'm not a regular viewer of Kerri-Anne's show, because it's so crap, but I'm pretty sure I could watch it every day for a good ten years and still not see a single segment that wasn't based around a product they are trying to flog.

Newsflash: Nothing Happened

Fuck, I'm sick of these cunts trapped in the mine in Tasmania. Sure it's sad, boo fucking hoo, but do we really need hourly updates to tell us that fuck all has changed. I don't think so. I was trying to watch a shit movie, the last ten minutes of which had a big graphic superimposed just in case I might not know there was no developments at all. Fuck off with that, I can't see the blonde giving wolverine a gobbie, cunts.

Here's a small tip for the television networks, if you are going to have people on location don't pick the most personality free vapid shit winkles you have on staff. I'm sick of them talking to deer in the headlights, omg I'm on tv witless fucktards who once saw one of the two miners in the local supermarket. Who gives a rats arse.

This sort of wankfull live television does make for plenty of top quotes though. The dim bint on channel nine has just said that they've had to resort to old fashioned mining such as picks, shovels and jack hammers. Yes, ye olde cornish miners used jack hammers all the time. Excellent for the delicate work.

Has anyone been counting the number of times the news ancwhores have said iPod? Every chance they get they mention that someone has given the miners some iPods. Have apple gotten in on the game, maybe this whole thing was staged just to sell iPods. I can't wait to see the marketing campaign. The funny thing is that the guy actually asked for an apple. The cunts in charge where just more concerned about product placement than nutrition.

Ahh thank fuck, the important news update is over, and suprise suprise, nothing at all has happened, wow. Back to the shitty movie now.

Three Blind Mice

Caught a great touchy feely story this evening on Today Tonight. A bunch of blind kiddies were given a chance to drive around on a racetrack.

The best bit was when one of the driving instructors said how nice it was to "see their eyes light up". Umm, good choice of words.

The Bubble Has Burst

Arrrr, what sort of idiots create television commercials. I just saw an ad for some crap that helps stop bloating after you've gorged yourself stupid.

They demonstrate how effective it is by putting a single drop of the product into a beaker with lots of bubbles on top. The bubbles all burst proving what a fantastic product this is.

Like most ads there is no logic at all. Sure all the bubbles might have burst but wouldn't all the gas still be trapped in your stomach? But if you are making a product for idiots that eat until they are sick, having an ad made by idiots is probably a good move.

Tard Spotters

Watching television today I saw an advert for 'A Current Affair'. On an upcoming show they have a story about the illegal use of disabled parking permits(permits for disabled folk, not people that can't parallel park).

One of the lines thrown out to catch the viewers attention was "does this person look disabled". Their point was that abled people are using disabled permits to get good parking spots and avoid paying fines. They do, however, seem to think that you can tell who is disabled simply by looking at them.

I think ACA should stick to bogon neighbour disputes, where you can get the cheapest groceries and all the pseudo-stories that are really thinly veiled adverts. Leave the journalism to those with at least half a brain.

I hope lots of idiots get out and start confronting the people using disabled parking permits. Better to hassle disabled people than risk letting someone park a bit closer to the shops than you.

This reminds me of a story on Triple J's Hack. They spoke to a young lady whose brain had been injured in a car accident. She is on a disability pension and has a concession card for public transport. Because she doesn't look disabled the stupid cunts that sell train tickets have confiscated her concession card several times. They must have some top training.

I think the obvious solution is some sort of forehead tattoo for disabled people. That should guarantee they aren't accidentally mistaken for normal people.

Media Cancer

With several hours of television news, every day, why do the networks reduce each story down to a few sentences? They prune away all the facts and background information, leaving a snappy sound bite and a few buzzwords to superimpose over the stock image behind the news mannequin.

Ian Frazer has been working on a vaccine for Human Papilloma Virus for fifteen years. This vaccine provides protection against several strains of Human Papilloma Virus. HPV causes seventy percent of cervical cancer cases.

How does the media report this breakthrough that will save thousands of lives? They describe it as a 'Cancer Vaccine'. I'm sure the nations doctors will be pleased when hundreds of tards who have heard a sound bite about a cure for cancer start filling their waiting rooms.

Or maybe they'll think that cervical cancer only effects tennis players.

The Marketing Dimension

Television comercials make less and less sense to me. I assume this is because marketing professionals are from a parrallel dimension where logic works in a different way.

Here's a few ads that have caught my attention recently.


Extreme margarine.

There are a few different spreads on the market that claim to reduce your cholesterol. What a top idea. Instead of altering your diet to increase your health you can just keep slathering on the fatty spreads that fucked up your cholesterol in the first place.

The ad for one of these spreads features an over the hill bloke eating a sandwich and telling us all how this great spread has lowered his cholesterol. He can now do all the things he's been missing out on for years. He then jumps off a bridge, sadly he is secured with a bungee rope. I don't understand how having high colesterol stops you from bungee jumping. Most people don't even know they have high cholesterol until they see a doctor. The only condition that might make it hard for you to enjoy jumping off of things is having no legs. If they come up with a tasty spread to cure that, then I'm interested.


You suck for the same reason we don't.

A recent Subway ad shows some sandwich monkeys ringing a burger place. They ask the burger jockeys if they sell sandwiches, which of course they don't. Lots of smug "how good are we 'cos we sell something they don't" laughter follows. So apparently Subway are better than burger places because Subway sell sandwiches. Which means that burger places are better than Subway because Subway don't sell burgers and chips. So they are both better than each other in some sort of junk food infinite loop.


Borrow your way out of debt.

There has been an increase in ads for short term loans recently. If you are in debt and can't make it to your next payday, or you are a bit short and need some cash to get an anniversary gift for your spouse then these vampires can help.

I'm not an accountant or anything but I don't see how borrowing more money to add to your credit card bills and gambling debts is going to help. The lenders must love it when people with no hope of repaying the full amount borrow money and make repayments for the next ten years on the three hundred they needed to get their missus some new blonde highlights for her birthday.


It could be that these products are aimed at tards and the lack of logic isn't a problem. Or perhaps it's my fault for expecting television to make any sense.