Bushfire Benefits

Bushfires have long had a bad reputation. I blame the media for attaching labels to every little natural disaster, Ash Wednesday, Black Tuesday, or in the case of the Boxing Day Tsunami, Moist Sunday.

The media spin tends to highlight the negative aspects of bushfires and people consider them bad things. People should be made aware of the upside of bushfires.

The current fires in Australia have filled the atmosphere with ash. These tiny particles cause droplets to form and lead to precipitation. For those of us lucky enough to live downwind of the fires we've had some lovely rains that have made summer far more pleasant.

I think the government should organise regular fires every summer. Sure it destroys thousands of acres of bush and farmland, but that's a small price to pay if I don't have to bother watering the lawn for a few days.

Media Cancer

With several hours of television news, every day, why do the networks reduce each story down to a few sentences? They prune away all the facts and background information, leaving a snappy sound bite and a few buzzwords to superimpose over the stock image behind the news mannequin.

Ian Frazer has been working on a vaccine for Human Papilloma Virus for fifteen years. This vaccine provides protection against several strains of Human Papilloma Virus. HPV causes seventy percent of cervical cancer cases.

How does the media report this breakthrough that will save thousands of lives? They describe it as a 'Cancer Vaccine'. I'm sure the nations doctors will be pleased when hundreds of tards who have heard a sound bite about a cure for cancer start filling their waiting rooms.

Or maybe they'll think that cervical cancer only effects tennis players.

Vote 1 For Apathy

John Howard's recent reshuffle of the novelty deck that is his cabinet gives an interesting insight into the dedication it takes to be a politician.

The Nationals, in an "I'm taking my ball and going home" sort of attitude have declared that they may not vote with the Liberals on future issues. Gives me a warm glow to know that this nations politicians carefully consider each issue before them and then vote in a way that will provide the best outcome for the people of Australia. No, hang on, they just follow the party line like a bunch of mindless zombies.

Sadly there is no alternative. For all the talk there is little difference between political parties. Perhaps a bloody coup is the solution. If you have a gun and want lower taxes then sign up for a bold new future.

If your child is a drug mule...

then chances are you're an ass.

If your child is arrested with a huge stash of smack taped to them who would you blame? Your child for being a drug trafficing tool, or the Australian Federal Police.

Obviously the AFP where out of line. How dare they share information with their Indonesian counterparts. It was inconsiderate of them to be so professional and internationally minded.

If the opposite had happened and information was not shared, these same fuckers would be complaining about Indonesian drug dealers poisoning their precious kids with their filthy heroin.

It's a shame that they are only going to shoot the kids, not the parents.

The Marketing Dimension

Television comercials make less and less sense to me. I assume this is because marketing professionals are from a parrallel dimension where logic works in a different way.

Here's a few ads that have caught my attention recently.


Extreme margarine.

There are a few different spreads on the market that claim to reduce your cholesterol. What a top idea. Instead of altering your diet to increase your health you can just keep slathering on the fatty spreads that fucked up your cholesterol in the first place.

The ad for one of these spreads features an over the hill bloke eating a sandwich and telling us all how this great spread has lowered his cholesterol. He can now do all the things he's been missing out on for years. He then jumps off a bridge, sadly he is secured with a bungee rope. I don't understand how having high colesterol stops you from bungee jumping. Most people don't even know they have high cholesterol until they see a doctor. The only condition that might make it hard for you to enjoy jumping off of things is having no legs. If they come up with a tasty spread to cure that, then I'm interested.


You suck for the same reason we don't.

A recent Subway ad shows some sandwich monkeys ringing a burger place. They ask the burger jockeys if they sell sandwiches, which of course they don't. Lots of smug "how good are we 'cos we sell something they don't" laughter follows. So apparently Subway are better than burger places because Subway sell sandwiches. Which means that burger places are better than Subway because Subway don't sell burgers and chips. So they are both better than each other in some sort of junk food infinite loop.


Borrow your way out of debt.

There has been an increase in ads for short term loans recently. If you are in debt and can't make it to your next payday, or you are a bit short and need some cash to get an anniversary gift for your spouse then these vampires can help.

I'm not an accountant or anything but I don't see how borrowing more money to add to your credit card bills and gambling debts is going to help. The lenders must love it when people with no hope of repaying the full amount borrow money and make repayments for the next ten years on the three hundred they needed to get their missus some new blonde highlights for her birthday.


It could be that these products are aimed at tards and the lack of logic isn't a problem. Or perhaps it's my fault for expecting television to make any sense.

Safety Darts

A recent conversation with a friend reminded me that not everyone is familiar with this game. Safety Darts is a common Australian game, also known as Drunken Tossers in some states.

This game was invented over four hundred years ago when a bloke in a pub threw the lid off his bottle of beer towards a bin and missed. The bottle cap bounced on the floor and then landed in the bin. His mates promptly bet him he couldn't do it again and a lively competition ensued. The name of this clumsy pisshead is lost in the mists of time and alcohol. However the game remains and is laregly unchanged from these early days.

The rules of the game are quite simple. Players each have three bottle caps and, standing behind a line, take it in turn to launch them at the target. There are many techniques used to launch the caps, some of the most popular are the Second Joint Flip, the Middle Finger Twist and popular with amateurs the Finger Snap.

Many beginners prefer to hold their cap 'bowlwards' for easier delivery, experts however rarely use this grip as it reduces the edge speed and produces less rotations making it much harder to acheive multiple bounce shots.

The cap must bounce at least once before it lands in the target, a 'full toss' is not allowed. This rule is of course different in Carpet Safety Darts where the target is a completely different size and shape.

Points are scored for each bounce the cap makes before reaching the target, if the cap falls short of the target no points are scored. If the rebound rule is in play the score is doubled for a shot that bounces off the wall behind the target. It is also possible to double your score by nominating which way up the cap will land. Although an incorrect nomination will result in no points for the shot.

In games involving gambling (Safety Darts is the only game other than two-up in which it is legal to place wagers in Australian pubs) it is quite common to place a small recepticle inside the target. Each player adds a stake to this container each round and the player who lands his shot inside the recepticle claims the pool. Sometimes this small inner target is also used to award extra points when gambling is not involved.

In general play each player delivers their three caps and scores for each delivery. Their caps are then cleared away and the next player has their turn. In some tournament play however all players take one shot and only the closest to the centre of the target scores for their shot.

A handicapping system is popular in club matches. By altering the distances from which a player delivers their shot it is possible for experienced tournament players to compete fairly with amatuers.

Most major cities in Australia have several clubs that offer training and competitions. The game is also becoming popular in the United States and parts of Europe. Next time you are having a few drinks with friends why not challenge them to a game, you'll soon find out that it is quite addictive.

How To Save A Million Dollars

Many of the best financial secrets are closely guarded by the economic wizards who devise them. Close observation can, however, often reveal some of the techniques involved. I've been lucky enough to be in a postition to witness such monetary genius at work. I think it only fair that I share what I've learnt with you all.

The process involved is quite simple, any one can do it with only a few dollars of startup capital. All you have to do is go to your local take away food outlet and order a plain hot dog. Don't forget to repeat the word plain several times, there is no better way to guarantee top class service than to treat the staff like they are retarded and can't understand a simple order. Once you've paid for your hot dog it's time to stand back and wait for your investment to mature.

When your hot dog is ready ask for sauce. As you have already paid for your meal it is unlikely they will bother to charge you the extra five cents for the sauce.

Now all you need to do is buy a hot dog and scam free sauce every day for a little over fifty-four thousand years and you'll have saved a cool million.

Think this is a stupid way of saving money? Tell that to all the Beakers that try this on me every day.

Food Allergies Are The New Black

Want to look trendy and hip for the new year, well who doesn't. There are so many options it's hard to know which to choose. You could pierce part of your face, the lip or tounge being the hottest options, so you get that sexy Sylvester lisp.

How about a fauxhawk like so many other style vacuums out there. There is nothing cooler than copying what someone was doing months ago. Don't forget the blonde tips.

Perhaps a tattoo just above the arse is more your style. To really stand out I recommend some malformed chinese characters so your friends will know you are available with extra fried rice.

However, if you really want to place yourself at the cutting edge of fashion you can't go past a non-reactive food allergy. All the social benifits of a regular food allergy with the bonus of being able to eat the food you are allergic to.

Here's how it works in a typical social situation:

I'll have the burger with everything on it please. Oh but no egg, I can't
have egg, I'm allergic to egg, even the tiniest bit and I'll die. Can I
get extra mayonnaise on that please.

The hot tip for next season: diabetes.

Beaker Event Horizon

A few days ago at work I reached the beaker event horizon. Don't know what that is? Well it's the moment when the customers and some colleagues start to look and sound like this guy:

Although often not as well dressed.

There are many different and well documented influences that can bring about the BEH. In this case it was caused by the daily exposure to idiot customers and accelerated by unhelpful co-workers.

When this happens there are only a few options, you can quit your job and go somewhere the idiots can't find you. You can start to imagine yourself as Professor Honeydew. You can start punching. Or you can start venting your hatred of the idiots to anyone who will listen. I wonder which option I'll choose.