Who Needs An Ambulance When You Have Homeopathy?

A while ago I posted about homeopathic first aid kits. I was, of course, taking the piss; so I was a bit surprised to see someone offering a homeopathic first aid course to the public.

I suppose if you burnt yourself you could tip the water from the homeopathic potion bottles on yourself. Or if you encounter someone with hypoglycaemia you could feed them some of your handy sugar pills.

There are many similar courses available claiming they can prepare you to deal with a wide range of emergency situations. Insect bites, allergic reactions, burns, whiplash, cuts and plenty of other maladies.

Homeopathy is based on the concept that 'like cures like'. Which means that these clever homeopaths must have little bottles of diluted knives and car crashes to treat cuts and whiplash with.

The most disappointing discovery was that TAFE colleges are offering such courses. That's a great use of public funds. I wonder if you can do a course in entrail reading at the same time.

It's bad enough that Homeopaths can freely bilk people with no legal reprisals without TAFE and, indirectly, the government endorsing and even promoting such ridiculous quackery.

So the next time that peanut allergy sends you into anaphylactic shock, don't worry about the adrenalin, all you need is a bottle of magic water and you'll be up and about in no time.

ENAR II: Son Of ENAR

Here is the footage of the ENAR on A Current Affair:

And another fine bit of shill work from Channel Nine:

Here's some footage of the SCENAR healing a guys burns. The SCENAR is the ENARs big brother or retarded cousin, something like that. It's a pretty amazing device, not only did it heal the burns it also managed to replace a scar and a tattoo to the burned area.

To quote Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson: Wank, wank, money in the bank.

Security Guard In Double Blind Study

Right, dozens of LASERs but not one motion sensor? Do not use over the counter pain relievers as part of your home security system. If burglars persist, please see you doctor.

Beaten To The Punch

Just in case last weeks ENAR device wasn't scamtastic enough Channel Nine's program A Current Affair has followed up with some more gold standard quackery. This time it's a magic drink that will solve all your blood pressure woes.

The product is called Dr Red and is a cordial made from many ingredients including Rosselle, a species of hibiscus. The usual claims were made regarding the existence of supporting evidence and trials. The evidence is pretty thin though. After reading the information presented about the trials I was only able to conclude that this punch doesn't kill mice. Hardly a breakthrough.

I assume that Channel Nine will push any product if given enough cash. It would certainly explain all the product placement and infomercial style of the segment. Or perhaps they just don't do too much research into their stories. Either way it is worrying that so much bunk is being broadcast.

You can see the segment on the ACA website. My favourite part is a close shot of the bottle where we can read on the label:

Antioxidant Enriched
Evidence Based
Rosella Concentrate

Still, at just $53.00 for a 750ml bottle it's a bargain. Regular cordial is only $3.00 but that has a fruit base which is easier to get in the bottle than an evidence base.

Beverages are also available to aid your immune system and your prostate. It looks like this company has solved mankind's health dilemmas single handed. We should all thank the nutraceuticals industry for allowing us to pay prescription prices for everyday grocery items.

In contrast, as I'm writing this Channel Ten news is running a story about Chinese herbs. The segment is about a study being conducted to see if particular herbs lower blood sugar. Unlike A Current Affair they don't mention a brand name and vague unsupported claims to try and sell units. Maybe they could teach Channel Nine the difference between science and shite.

Now I'm off to have a nice glass of evidence based milk.

Smokes And Mirrors

Yay for the government. I've never been able to understand why tobacco is treated differently to other recreational drugs. I'm not saying that everything should be legal but I do think that all drugs should be held to the same standards.

My current tobacco induced confusion is as follows:

In 2005 changes were made to the labels on packs of cigarettes to remove the amounts of tar, nicotine and carbon monoxide contained in each cigarette. It was considered misleading because people would accosiate lower levels of those components with the cigarette being less harmful which, of course, they aren't. Descriptions such as 'light' and 'mild' are also no longer allowed.

It's annoying when customers come in and ask for Tarco 8s or Lungy Extreme Mild when these types of labels have been off the shelves for a long time. Just tell me the brand and the colour of the packet, okay dickhead. And no, I don't know what your wife smokes.

The real confusion, however, was triggered by some information received from the government this week regarding new fines for breaches of tobacco laws. One in particular stood out.

34—Information as to tar, nicotine etc content of cigarettes
(1) A person who sells cigarettes by retail must, on demand by a customer who is considering purchasing cigarettes, provide the customer with information as to the quantity of tar and carbon monoxide that will be produced, and the quantity of nicotine that will be released, in the normal course of smoking each cigarette.
Expiation fee: $315. Maximum penalty: $5 000.

(2) The information must be provided in writing in a form approved by the Minister.
Expiation fee: $105. Maximum penalty: $750.

Riiiiiiiight. So the labeling requirements are changed to remove this information from packs and it is now an offence to not provide this information to the customer. The Fuck?

Oh and it must be costly to collect all these new fines. Price of a tobacco licence last year was $12.90. This year $200.00, that's a 1450% increase. No wonder people think the government are cunts.

So ENAR Yet So Far

Another nugget of gold from A Current Affair. This time they are promoting health fraud in the form of the ENAR.

The ENAR is a small device that looks much like a remote control. The promoters claim that it can relieve pain.

Why do I think it is a scam? A few reasons, the first warning sign was the stated origin of the technology. Scammers often claim fantastic origins for their devices to make them sound more astounding. The ENAR has its origins in the Russian space program. Apparently.

Second major warning sign came in the form of research. It's standard practise to claim that a university or noted scientist has proven the efficacy of a product when really it's all bullshit. In this case the research comes from Macquarie University. Now, this part isn't bullshit, the study really does exist. Does it prove the ENAR works? No. The study was not double blinded and the grand total of subjects to be treated with the ENAR? Nine. Yup, just nine people. Can you get statistically significant results with such a small group. Again, I'm going to say no.

Third warning sign? My grandmother had a device very similar to this given to her over ten years ago. Just like the perpetual motion machines this looks like an old scam that is being given a fresh coat of paint.

Maybe this device does work and is very effective. I don't really care if it works or not. What I do care about is television networks promoting health treatments when there is only the thinnest shimmer of evidence to support the very large claims and the very large $1400 price tag of these devices.

The Secret

Top work from Channel Nine. A Current Affair just had a story about a con man ripping people off under the cover of running seminars based on the abortion of intellect that is The Secret.

Now that doesn't sound that bad until you realise that Channel Nine produced The Secret movie. So they help create the phenomenon and then they pick on the people who are using it to scam idiots. There is no other purpose for The Secret other than parting people from their money so I'm not sure why they are so suprised.

For those of you who have no idea what The Secret is it is basically praying for money. Perfect for the shallow, trendy, entitled people and the idiots who feed on them.

Don 'Cucumber' Tolman

I've noticed that a lot of people visiting this site hare arrived here by searching for 'Don Tolman'. In most cases the keywords scam, fraud and quackery were also used.

This makes me wonder. Are most people who are looking for information on Don thinking that he is a lying scam artist? Why are people looking for information on Don, have they seen him on television, heard about him from a friend or read about him in their horoscopes?

I'd love to know why you are searching for information on Don so please let me know in the comments. If you love him or hate him please share your opinion.

For those of you that found this page because you were looking for some hot pics of Don, I hope this touches you in a special place:

Don's teachings say that foods that resemble body parts are good for those anatomical areas. Which means that Don's penis must look like a cucumber. I wonder if his wife is a vegan?

Forensic Science For Dummies

I don't know why I punish myself by watching television. Like many bad relationships, after a few weeks apart you forget all the abuse and think it will be different this time around.

I turned on the television this week to be presented with a show about forensic science. It was quite interesting. It focused on how field techniques are taught. This involved the use of donated bodies. Sounded like a great idea for something to do with the leftovers after you die. Donate your organs and then let them play with the other bits to teach police and scientists how to find and recover evidence.

Everything was fine until the guy instructing the group pulled out a pair of rods and started demonstrating how to find a buried corpse by dowsing. If I'd been on the course I would have asked for my money back right then.

What the fuck is up with the television networks lately? There's psychic detectives solving crimes all over the place. It must annoy the people who really solve crimes through hard work and hours of boring slog.

The government should consider introducing some laws to make semi-retarded bullshit illegal. People are stupid enough already without seeing this sort of crap and thinking that the magic pixies will help them to win the lottery because the spirit of their dead mother is talking to them through the keno numbers.

Homeopathic Emergency Kit

Ever been worried about getting involved in an accident? Well you are right to worry, I learned a shocking fact today. Paramedics have no training in homeopathy. When they arrive at an accident scene they can only use ineffectual 'proven' medical techniques based in 'science'.

This knowledge was so frightening that I've created the Homeopathic Emergency Kit that you can carry with you at all times. It contains the following essential items;


Distilled water: This handy liquid can be used to make any homeopathic remedy in an instant.


Sugar: Need a slighty more substantial remedy? Try these individual servings of sugar. They'll cure everything from cancer to hypothermia.


Blindfold: Just in case you encounter a patient who isn't a gullible twat or your own accident restores your common sense I've included this handy blindfold to help you fool yourself into thinking that homeopathy is something more than water and sugar pills.

This whole kit costs only $39.95, less than a single consultation with a homeopath. If you are a gullible fuckwit who thinks homeopathy isn't a load of crap then please leave your credit card details in the comments and I'll ship you your kit right away.

Define 'fact'

I recently posted about the quack Don Tolman. The television show that I saw him on has now released a 'fact' sheet. I think they wait a while before making them available on their site so they can rake in all that 1900 fax cash from people who just can't wait to get hold of the misleading information.

It's chock full of made up shit about food looking like body parts and avocados preventing cervical cancer. They also make the common mistake of thinking that the phrase 'research shows' can be substituted for references to actual research and proof of the wild claims being made.

If you believe in this sort of crap then please send me $100 and I will send you my new book on exploring past lives based on your wisdom teeth. It's 100% accurate.

Kerri-Anne Cures Cancer

Stuck at home with the flu this week I've been watching a few shows that I would normally not see. The real gem was a small segment on Kerri-Anne's show.

Kerri-Anne had a gent called Don Tolman as a guest. He had an impressive hat and moustache combination going on. His schtick was all about the mighty natural goodlyness that is fruit and vegetables, or 'whole food' as he preferred to call it.

I was amazed to discover that food that resembles a part of the body has health benefits for that portion of our anatomy. For example bunches of grapes, looking so much like a heart, are good for our arteries. Avocados with their strong resemblance to ovaries are obviously a magic potion for all sorts of fertility issues. Sadly he didn't have time to cover bananas or kiwi fruits, how disappointing.

The absolute peak of the segment was the revelation that stone fruits can cure cancer and have been used by many cultures to completely eradicate cancer from their society. Of course this information had been covered up by the evil governments and pharmaceutical companies who only exist to keep us sick and weak.

I was a little bit skeptical but it could just be because I'm a simple minded puppet of the multi-nationals and a slave to my brain washed beliefs, i.e. medical claims should be tested and proven, fruit isn't magic, a crap hat and tach doesn't make you a doctor.

This sort of shit annoys me more and more. He calls himself a 'food medicine expert', which is like my local greengrocer calling himself a gastroentorologist. Stick the word medicine in there and maybe a few suckers with cancer will shell out for a copy of your book, good scam you quack.

I'm not a regular viewer of Kerri-Anne's show, because it's so crap, but I'm pretty sure I could watch it every day for a good ten years and still not see a single segment that wasn't based around a product they are trying to flog.

Proof that magnets cause brain damage

Last night, whilst waiting for the next world cup match to kick-off, I stumbled into the world of magnets. I honestly don't think there are enough tin-foil hats in the whole world to cater for the quantity of fuckwits there seem to be out there.

Magnets can make you live forever!!!!! OMFG!!1!

http://www.quantumbalancing.com/vortex_magnetizer.htm
For only $36 these clowns will sell you a bit of plastic with some magnets in it that will allow you to implode your own super-dooper magic water. For some reason they don't accept returns or offer refunds of any sort, I wonder why? I thought this was a total scam until I noticed that they use some homeopathic substances. Everyone knows how reputable homeopathy is, it isn't just expensive bottles of distilled water.

http://www.alexchiu.com
This site is pure comedy gold. If his immortality magnets are half as good as his text formatting then sign me up. At only $26 this is a real bargain.
He seems to have some sort of pyramid selling scheme going on as well, but that might just be because the FDA are trying to stop him from getting his message out there. It's because of the global conspiracy though, not because he's a shit peddling scammer.
The real highlights are the testimonial from mega memory man Kevin Truduae and the part that says you should check with your doctor before using this product if you have a heart condition. So these magnets can cure you or everything and make you live forever, except for heart conditions? What an odd limitation.

Top Investment opportunities

There are plenty of companies out there that have designed perpetual motion magnet engines. They are happy to take your investment dollars but for some reason they never seem to have a completed product. Could it be a scam? No or course not, it's the new world order and the oil companies keeping this fantastic technology from hitting the shelves.
Lutec
Perendev

If you'd prefer to build your own why not buy some of these bargain priced plans. Only $19.95 and they're guaranteed to work.
http://www.fuellesspower.com/17_Perm_Magnet_mtrs.htm

Perpetual motion exists mang!!!!1!!

I'm not sure which is worse, the people who try to bilk folk out of their savings with their 'investment opportunities' in perpetual motion machines or the fuckwit hobbyists who think they can really build one of these. The idiots will believe almost anything, except logic and provable physics, anyone that posts some common sense is labeled a hater and a puppet of the oil companies and the establishment. With no proof at all they will believe that magnets can create unlimited power and the new world order has killed or bought off everyone who has ever built one of these machines. They also seem to think that the oil companies would never let this technology reach the public, even though you can go and buy an electric car.
http://www.overunity.com
http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum

Confusing coconuts for cherries

I just love it when product get more expensive, smaller and are of reduced quality. I had a Cherry Ripe today and thought it was a little ordinary. Top work to Cadbury, their Cherry Ripes now contain 5% more coconut than they do cherries.


I'm looking forward to when they get rid of the cherries altogether and just fill them with coconut and old newspapers. Cheap bastards.

Too busy to read

It's bad enough that people are so fucking important and busy that they need to keep in touch every second of the day with their mobiles and annoying wankie talkie style push to talk bullshit, but now it seems that people are so busy they can't even take the time to look at the things they purchase.

I'd like to cite three examples, hardly a rigorous scientific study but if the television networks aren't going to let facts get in their way I don't see why I should be restricted.

Recently a customer tried to return a bottle of ginger beer because it had 'bits' in it. Instead of looking at the writing on the bottle their first instinct was to complain, forcing me to read the label to them like they where three. Explaining that the yeast sediment was quite natural. Hmmm I'm not sure if I should draw a comparison to Sparkling Ale or thrush here?

The second example comes from that beacon of journalistic integrity Today Tonight. A while back they had a shocking report that exposed the evil that is the chocolate biscuit industry. Some witless bint bought a packet of tim tams. Scotch and coke flavour I think they were. Upon arriving home she was shocked to discover that the packet contained two less biscuits than the regular tim tams, even though they where the same price. Gee I can't imagine why a fancy flavoured gourmet tim tam would cost more. The packet clearly showed the number of biscuits it contained but she claimed this was a scam perpetrated by the biscuit manufacturer to prey on those people too busy to look at what they are buying. Cos fuck, who's got time to look at things these days. I hope her kids have peanut allergies.

Just found this moron selling tim tams on eBay. How odd. Never been eaten apparently, that's good. I wonder if the ones that he has eaten cost more or less.

The third example was kindly provided by my own father. Having listened to his sooking about the grey spots on his jar of asparagus for ten minutes I was forced to point to the section of the label that explained that these where natural deposits caused by the reaction of the vinegar with the salts in the asparagus. Or course by this time it was too late and the asparagus was in the bin. Wasteful twat.

What I'd like to know is why do so many people think complaining is the first step to take when something doesn't meet their expectations? Why not read the label or the manual or take a moment to think things through?

Writing manuals for a living must be fucking rewarding work.

Missing the point of sale

I recently bought some new cash registers for a client. Although I was only purchasing quite basic models I did enjoy checking out all the touch screen systems that where available. Plenty of feature packed units to help make a tedious and repetative job that little bit easier.

When it came time for me to pay for my purchases I was amazed to see that this business was using a DOS application from the early eighties to handle their own sales. What the fuck? In the middle of a showroom full of barcode scanners and touchscreens these people are using a twenty year old DOS program. They didn't even have their EFTPOS hooked up so they fucked up the transaction and had to give me a cash refund for the balance because they didn't know how to process a refund with the EFTPOS terminal.

Now, I can understand using an old program if it still meets your needs, no point spending money on unnecessary technology just for the sake of upgrading. But when you sell the bloody things and it takes you ten minutes to type in two serial numbers that you could have just selected from a list or scanned from a barcode I think it's time to put your trust in one of the solutions you are trying to sell.

This sort of things seems common, I know mechanics with shit cars and landscapers with dead lawns and if television commercials are anything to go by, and they probably aren't, there are plenty of hairdressers out there with fuggly hair. Maybe it's one of those forest for the trees things.

The Biggest...

There is a place in South Australia that claims to have the worlds largest rocking horse. Only problem is the thing doesn't rock. So is it a rocking horse or not? I say it isn't and these clowns should be fined for false advertising.

Every few years, I assume it coincides with the printing of the latest guiness book of retards, the commercial stations run a 'news' story about the person with the worlds longest hair. It's always such a heart warming story, how the idiot in question washes it once a year in a washing maching and how the local villagers all come to pray to it to heal their goats. These people never actually have long hair. They have manky dreadlocks that might measure twenty meters long but that is like claiming you've got the worlds largest sheep because you have a ball of wool that is fifty meters long. Wash and brush these morons hair and I'll bet you won't find a strand longer than two metres. But I suppose 'hair of average length' won't sell copies of the guiness book of tards.

The Bubble Has Burst

Arrrr, what sort of idiots create television commercials. I just saw an ad for some crap that helps stop bloating after you've gorged yourself stupid.

They demonstrate how effective it is by putting a single drop of the product into a beaker with lots of bubbles on top. The bubbles all burst proving what a fantastic product this is.

Like most ads there is no logic at all. Sure all the bubbles might have burst but wouldn't all the gas still be trapped in your stomach? But if you are making a product for idiots that eat until they are sick, having an ad made by idiots is probably a good move.

Chicken Logic

At work we sell roasted chickens. You can buy a whole chicken, a half, or a quarter, but we only cut one chicken up at a time. If you want a wing quarter and all we've got is a leg we won't cut another chicken until that leg has been sold. The reason, wings are far more popular than legs. If we sold a wing to every customer that wanted one, at the end of the day we'd have a huge pile of legs that would go to waste. Also a lot of customers who want to buy whole chickens would miss out because all the chooks have been de-winged and four legs isn't quite the same.

A recent customer used the following false analogy to try and show me the error of my ways.

He told me if I was to order a chicken schnitzel in his hotel, I wouldn't be forced to have beef gravy on it just because the last customer had cheese sauce on theirs.

I love how people try to use an argument that seems related to the issue at hand but, actually, has nothing in common with it at all. He couldn't understand the difference between selling lots of identical schnitzels and selling pieces of roast chicken.

He didn't seem happy when I offered him a chicken schnitzel either. Even though I gave him a choice of sauces.

Tard Spotters

Watching television today I saw an advert for 'A Current Affair'. On an upcoming show they have a story about the illegal use of disabled parking permits(permits for disabled folk, not people that can't parallel park).

One of the lines thrown out to catch the viewers attention was "does this person look disabled". Their point was that abled people are using disabled permits to get good parking spots and avoid paying fines. They do, however, seem to think that you can tell who is disabled simply by looking at them.

I think ACA should stick to bogon neighbour disputes, where you can get the cheapest groceries and all the pseudo-stories that are really thinly veiled adverts. Leave the journalism to those with at least half a brain.

I hope lots of idiots get out and start confronting the people using disabled parking permits. Better to hassle disabled people than risk letting someone park a bit closer to the shops than you.

This reminds me of a story on Triple J's Hack. They spoke to a young lady whose brain had been injured in a car accident. She is on a disability pension and has a concession card for public transport. Because she doesn't look disabled the stupid cunts that sell train tickets have confiscated her concession card several times. They must have some top training.

I think the obvious solution is some sort of forehead tattoo for disabled people. That should guarantee they aren't accidentally mistaken for normal people.